humanSuitcase: Previously, on PR colon All Stars Season Garbage...chid, sweet, sweet chid, our darling Michelle is gone girl. It's unfortunate you rebooted in time for this finale. There's no Justin. No Kate. No Michelle. All we're left with is the crackle of Helen's raspy laugh and split ends. And here comes Alyssa waddling out one final time to announce that our remaining designers have to do 8 looks in 4 days that represent the Four Seasons Hotel. Two for each season. This excites me because the Four Seasons in DC makes a banging Corpse Reviver II. No matter how good that cocktail is, it won't bring a PR designer we like back to life. RIP everyone. If you could drink alcohol at a Four Seasons, what would be your favorite drink, chid?
chid: Sex on the Beach on the beach with seven tiny umbrellas, each spearing a cherry, but not a maraschino cherry, an actual perfect Traverse City, Michigan cherry that has been pitted without damaging the structural integrity of the cherry, because it's a Four Seasons, and I expect my every specific whim to be met, goddamnit.
This seems like a long episode. So many designs. So much Dmitry voiceover. So much symmetry. Why did they have to kill Michelle last week? Was it something Banjo did?
humanSuitcase: His realness led to her inevitable end. And pantchos.
They're getting a whopping $3k for fabric and notions, chid. Sonjia has collapsed on Mood's floor from under the weight of all this lavish spending.
chid: Sonjia said she is going to show the judges something they haven't seen from her before. I hope it's a mummified possum she found under the runway. You think that's what it is?...possibly?
hS: We should be so lucky, but she's making a $3000 crop top. "Why you always make the crop top?" Dmitry sighs, unabashedly remixing his 3 week old white on white Pyraminx gown into a jacket. "Be more like original."
chid: This is a four-day challenge. The first day was the salad eating day. I believe they showed us 1 minute of that day in this episode. What's your favorite salad ingredient, humanSuitcase?
chid: Did you know that Banjo used to hunt for his cronuts?
hS: They're so much better when they're wild, aren't they? You can taste the sustainability in each fresh, wholesome bite. We should all eat a little closer to the earth. He's a goddamn great American.
chid: There was a classic Fringe v. Lace debate in the workroom. All I can say is, thank god for the first amendment.
hS: Can you imagine them exercising the 2nd?
"Gettin' your fringe again?"
"You making lace again?"
"You coming for me?"
"Oh you know if I come for you."
chid: They keep saying that the designers need to have eight fantastic looks that represent the Four Seasons, but there are only so many ways you can dress up fabric made out of US currency! Sure, Sonjia's penny jumper will look great once the copper solidifies, but her model has to live with those smelting scars for the rest of her life!!
hS: Sonjia and Dmitry focussed on developing one look at a time. Helen felt that was the stupid way to do it. "When designing a full line, one has to see the collection from 50,000 feet and look to make the pieces cohesive in that whole. The gestalt of the work. Max Wertheimer said: 'To sever a "part" from the organized whole in which it occurs—whether it itself be a subsidiary whole or an "element"—is a very real process usually involving alterations in that "part". Modifications of a part frequently involve changes elsewhere in the whole itself. Nor is the nature of these alterations arbitrary, for they too are determined by whole-conditions.' This proof is evident in all my work because my shit is tight. I'm so gonna win this fucker."
chid: I spent an hour in the Philadelphia airport last weekend. They have their own Tumi store. I went in to get my free server case, but the woman who worked there said she had no idea what I was talking about and then she said I needed to leave immediately and then she kept calling security. Everything I've ever heard about Philadelphians is true.
hS: Good thing you're not Santa Claus, a paraplegic, or a little girl at a baseball game. Or Maury Compson, the Croc-wearing Phanatic.
chid: I love Maury Compson almost as much as I love FABIO! KATE!! That other petite guy!!!
hS: KATE! KATE KATE KATE! Kaaaaate, it's humanSuitcase! Hi hi hi! I'm waving to you!
I'm just so crazy for Kate! But, I'm not crazy that she's bringing her two scoops of lovin' sunshine to Helen's dark and dirty raisin bran but I'm just so happy she's back on tv shows. Speaking of reruns: Zanna's renewed again from Logan's Run Romper Room in that red jumper. She is strong and will be renewed after she takes out Mr. Do Bee.
chid: Dmitry just said that it's not a fabric selection competition. That's a goddamn shame. I would watch the fuck out of that. Imagine Swatch with a little compass pendant around his neck. So cute!
hS: Sonjia would make some adorable lace booties for him. That's the PR All Stars we should be watching and not Helen's touting a Couture Wednesday Adams as the Second Coming.
chid: Did you just see that photo of baby Dmitry? I just adopted 15 Russian sons to be adorable and do my bidding for me.
hS: He was in a marching band at age 7? Hammer and sickle with oboe.
chid: Hang on a second, they haven't said anything to confirm it, but I strongly suspect this program is sponsored by CHI and Mary Kay.
hS: But Xeljanz and Fingerhut are the real winners here tonight.
chid: Woah, that shimmery blue Dmitry dress with the single-sleeve looked like something that was ripped off a grandma at a Tom Jones concert.
hS: I'm sure that was my Gram Gram. "What's New Pussycat" always got her purring. Oh whoa whoa whoa HORRRRK!
chid: Helen said Dmitry and Sonjia just remade shit they already made this season. Goddamn right about that, Hot Topic. Goddamn right.
hS: You'd think that with all that shade, Helen would have a better complexion.
chid: Actual Project Runway hosts it's finale at New York Fashion Week. Project Runway colon All Stars hosts it's finale at a dinner theater venue.
hS: We should be so lucky to have a Murder Mystery theme. I'd buy front row tickets to watch guest judge Romy & Michelle-Mira Sorvino gaslight secondary guest judge Zac Posen.
chid: I wasn't paying attention, and I thought Brian Posehn was the guest judge. What a let down.
Sonjia's collection is called "Urban Egyptian." I like that Spring look with the blue and yellow. Solid. That bikini top looked unflattering. Her Winter outerwear jacket looked original. It was a cohesive collection. She likes draping. She likes colors. I like Sonjia.
hS: Out of all of these remaining jokers, it's clear she's not scared to take some real risks and approach her work from raw intuition. It was evident during the Zanna's rundown while pointing out certain pieces being on trend or pushing a trend in a different direction, that clearly surprised Sonjia. "Oh, I had no idea." Taking something current right out of the air and putting it on a dressform without forethought takes raw intuition. Rather impressed with her.
chid: Dmitry's collection is called "The Art of Fashion," so I already hate it. Anything that starts with "The Art of…" is fucked out and stupid. But that huge pot leaf dress from his Fall look is sort of endearing. I'd like to spend some time with stoned Dmitry. He probably talks about inane things the whole time, like if a hot dog is a sandwich and if eggnog is good or bad, and he probably makes everyone look at his socks and shoes. You know, typical stoner shit.
hS: He made some really bad pants, though. He can't win with sticky icky and shitty slacks. Coconut ruins everything, by the way.
chid: Helen's collection is called "Cocoa on Wednesday." Her first Spring look is Slutty Wednesday Adams, and I sort of love it. I liked her other Spring look too. That beige Summer dress is blah city, though, and I wasn't taken with her plasticy summer separates either. I don't love her Winter looks. I never would have figured her for a Spring.
hS: "This is a blend of Coco Chanel and Wednesday Adams. Also, I'd like to thank my mother for not aborting me."
Coco would like to have a word with you, Helen. Backstage. You have brought great shame to the House of Chanel with your gothy derivative one off.
chid: What did you like, humanSuitcase?
hS: I liked that Kate came back into our lives even if was just for the briefest ray of sunshine. She reminds me of a Ray Bradbury story where the sun only shines once for an hour every seven years. The main character, an original Earth girl, is always talking her other classmates' ears off about how great the sun is and blah blah blah, but the other kids get fed up with her and lock her in a closet. She misses the hour long sun event while all the other kids run outside and play. I am that girl Helen locked in that closet.
chid: I love Kate too, but it's obvious that the producer doesn't. 27 seconds of screentime. Seeing Sonjia's collection all lined up during the criticism, it seems like she had a nice range of color and style in her collection. I don't think I love it as a whole, but there's something there.
hS: I'm praying to Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that they don't have another live Design Off like last week's "indecision". Chid, we all walked through the valley of the shadow of death with that fucker.
chid: Do you feel like Dmitry's theme was sort of "Solange Knowles Wedding photos"?
hS: Minus the 'fro, yes. There should be more 'fro. The 'fro is in for all seasons. He had said earlier, "I must win. If I do not win, then I go home and be all 'What was the point if you no win?'" Indeed, Dmitry. Indeed.
chid: Some of Dmitry's looks were sort of frump city. Not a wide range of color. I don't know.
hS: You have to admit the pot leaf was rather inspired. I ate a whole bag of Cool Ranch Doritos just watching that walk down the runway.
chid: It was the most inspiring thing I've seen from Dmitry all year.
hS: Pass the dutchie on the left hand side cuz Dmitry's the winner. Actually, I don't know that yet. I am so baked. Wait, is this another hour and a half episode so we can force in all these comments from previous non-winners and forgotten winners, Eat Pray Love lady, and Marie Claire fashion editors? This is like 450 minutes of fashion show in two weeks. /cums /dies
chid: Helen received the most tepid feedback. I just don't like a lot of that stuff. I loved some of it. Some of it was trash. I wish I was dead. Whole season in a nutshell.
hS: Chanel has an elegance and aesthetic that cannot be duplicated in 4 days and $3000 of fabric by Wednesday's Child. Stop trying to make this happen, Eeyore.
chid: human CORNELIUS Suitcase! How dare you compare me to...oh, that says "child." n/m.
hS: Oh, the moment we've all been waiting for after Helen was sent backstage to cry that she'll never be first at anything ever. First runner up? Like, if Sonjia or Dmitry cannot perform the duties of PR All Star, she has to fill in?
Are you impressed with Isaac Mizrahi's camo suit? It's so Michael Kors for Pre Spring because, if you didn't know, that's a fashion season now. And Pre-Fall. Gag.
chid: I was admiring his suit. Isaac looks 19 years younger, and 47% more intelligent in a camo suit with a striped button-down. Fashion is so weird.
hS: Existential chid tonight. Love it. Uh oh. We have a winner of this goddamned show, and I feel like I have taken the biggest dump I've ever had in my life. The kind you have where you never ever have to go again. Aww, it's actually Dmitry. There's no fanfare. No fireworks. For all the weeks we've spent on this goddamn show, you'd think there'd be some noisemaking. Did the judges even clap?
"Dmitry. You are the winner of Project Runway All Stars."
"Oh. That is the relief. Thank you." Leaves stage. Fin.
Zanna just came out with champagne and a hug. Okay, someone's happy about this. Thanks, Zanns.
chid: Oh wow, the guy who won the actual show in season 10 also won the lesser show that just ended. Cool, cool.
hS: How are you feeling? I'm not sure how I feel. Good thing I have therapy next week. "Dr. Kaufmann, the Russian guy won Project Runway All Stars, and I'm left with...emptiness?" I'm sure Proust wrote about this somewhere. Final words for this season, chid?
chid: I regret everything.