chid: Episode 2! The unconventional challenge. What are your hopes for this episode? Industrial accident? Remember that season where they made them run around a track and almost everyone died? This could be like that! I like the industrial workers in this venue—they have well-groomed facial hair.
humanSuitcase: I'm hoping that a construction worker gets stripped and used for materials. Raw materials. Why does PR always make them run for things? There's no running in fashion. There's "activewear" but no one runs in it. You'd get it wet from sweating. I'm not surprised that after all that running, Alyssa's the one out of breath. For all her huffing and puffing, we learn the theme this week is taking "masculine" materials and making them into something "feminine". Knowing these designers, there was no danger they were sketching to make 3 gauge stainless steel chain and make mens' suiting. Chris is the only one that hasn't flinched at sewing mens' slacks: "It's just two big sleeves sewn together. It's not hard. Excuse me, I have to take a nap." Who do you like and hate?
chid: Kate is adorable. Alexandria is insane. Gunnar is the meanest best friend you've ever had. Michelle is making chevron—this is first time Project Runway history it has been attempted.
hS: Kate, oh sweet Kate. If you could hold Kate up to your ear like a seashell, you hear the sweet sound of children's laughter. Look through her eyes, and you see bunny-shaped clouds. When she smiles, you know all is right and good in the world. Then there's Alexandria von Brommssenn from Sweden. She is the yang to Kate's yin. She says she has a "woond" from losing her season, and Woond translates from IKEA to "cold, black heart located in a local grocer's frozen freezer section". She is every Ingmar Bergmann film ever made but shot through a black filter against an ennui background. Somehow she has fans—don't cross them on Twitter (#gamergate but for ethics in fashion). Gunnar is reincarnated Carmen Ghia from The Producers but like way more gay. Not much more you can say about that.
Now, I'm surprised Michelle is attempting something as risky as a chevron print. In an unconventional challenge, no less. I'm going to hold my breath since this really risky, Chid. It could kill her.
chid: We're only two weeks in and someone's look has been stolen by a competitor.
hS: Thanks to Dmitry Sholokolofokof's dirty thievery, we're treated to the first of Chris' heavy sighing. It's making me nervous. He should carry a CPAP at all times.
chid: Dmitry made many ice dancing costumes in the season he won. This appears to be a bungee cord ice dancing costume. Chris is probably better off changing his design.
hS: Don't worry, Zanna just called Dmitry Badanov out for doing what everyone else is doing but he says he's not because of Moose and Squirrel. What's more shocking in this scene is that Zanna clearly has dug up Virginia Woolf, stole her funeral dress and tramped it up by shortening the hem. I'm now 100% positive that she's Twitter muted me. I said something nice about her hair. Crickets—
Hold on. What did Michelle just say?
chid: Michelle used the expression "tootin' shame" as in "The Los Angeles Lakers went 11-71 during Kobe Bryant's last season in the NBA, what a tootin' shame."
hS: This is an appropriate analogy because Kobe likes fashion. And sexual assault. Tootin' shame that sexual assault charge.
chid: Does the dress Alexandria made remind you of all of the art you made in pre-K? It's basically three boxes of painted elbows away from being the world's worst Mother's Day gift.
hS: My kindergarten teacher, Miss Basham, would make me nap during craft hour because I would eat too much glue and tempura paint so I never got to make anything. It made me the graphic designer I am today. Thanks, Miss Basham! Alexandria was the girl in the class who sneered at all the other kids who painted a strip of blue at the top of the the construction paper because that's where the sky is: "NO! The sky goes to the ground! Du är dum dum!" Then all the kids cry and say she's mean, but the teacher is also scared of her icy stare so she gets an A.
chid: AALIYAH LIFETIME ORIGINAL MOVIE. I cancel everything in life to watch initial airing with Twitter. Also, Osphena commercial. The expressions "unusual vaginal bleeding" and "painful sex" have been repeated multiple times. I am the target audience for this network.
hS: I saw AALIYAH's last movie at the kind of movie theater where people talk back at the screen. You can imagine the vocalized sadness when her name came up in the initial credits and anytime she slithered on set.
I want one of those transvaginal meshes so I can sue a bunch of doctors for putting them in me. *Googles "transvaginal mesh". Screams. No.
chid: Please Google "sensation of mesh" now. This is an actual thing.
hS: I don't want "sensation of mesh" in me after all. I also don't want to look at Alexandria's Brigitte-Neilsen-Trapped-In-A-Silk-Fence either. I really feel for that model having to pull that off on the runway later. "Does this make you feel sexy?" Isaac Mizrahi will hiss. "As sexy as a lampshade made out of human skin." The model answers, crying. "So, that's a 'no'?"
chid: Kate likes white, but if the other designers think that is a wedding dress, I doubt that any of them have ever been to the wedding of a non-porn star.
hS: Since Kate only sees clouds in the shapes of happy animals and her sun is the talking one from Raisin Bran, she's missing the little details like the judges will be able to clearly see her model's early morning dew. Kate actually makes wedding dresses for a living—SHOCKER—but I guess she's stuck in that rut now where every challenge is solved by changing wedding dress hemlines.
Now, I am strangely attracted to Justin's plastic nightmare. I want that on me, and I don't do drag. Often.
chid: That looks like an actual dress. He made it out of zip ties. This is the first time in human history that zip ties have been used for non-torture purposes.
hS: Marchesa is going to steal this Zip Tie Black Swan dress and sell the shit out of it. I can hear Georgina Chapman licking her lips from here. Unfortunately, Justin can't—womp womp. This does remind me of his 3D printed tube gown from his season. I fell out of my chair on that one, and I'm close to doing that with this one, but it's just gas.
chid: Is Heidi Klum pregnant or just trying out a completely different lifestyle?
hS: Heidi does pregnant elegantly but this is Alyssa, again. She's the Boss of this series! Ha, ha. Anyway, she's very pregnant in her face and her arms. She's obviously having a litter of really large puppies. Either she's out of breath just walking onto the runway, or she's still struggling from earlier in the episode when everyone else was running. Can't wait until she leans on that barstool.
chid: Fabio's design should be the mandatory outfit for every call-girl of the dystopian future.
hS: I wanted to like Fabio's, but I was holding in a sneeze. I'm okay, thanks. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for Unsexy Rainbow Brite's rumpled mid-riff number. I can forgive the rumpled part since it's plastic, but his taste level is back in the dumpster where he got his materials.
chid: That cage part of Alexandria's is probably what will get her kicked off. What did you think about Helen's design?
hS: If Alexandria had only styled her model better and put her into something completely different, she would have a good chance of winning this week. Bet she's wishing now she'd started snuffing out other designers in their sleep just like in her first season. Starting with Justin. It's a good thing I saved Helen's business card because now I want to go as a chewed up #2 pencil for Halloween 2015.
chid: Gunnar's chainmail thing looks pretty cool, but the stuff underneath is whatever. Oh, he was safe. That sounds about right.
hS: Gunnar gonna gun. "It's reallllllllly pretty and I'm pretty and I really liiiiiiike it." Yawn. It's like a trampy flapper dress, but he made it boring, and somehow I hate him more now than I did before—and that was a lot! I do like Sonjia's Caution Tape gown. It's fun, risky, and has a great silhouette. Of course, she's ignored. Samantha was safe because no one remembered she's on the show which is surprising considering her model looked like Barbarella fell into a vat of Willy Wonka's Candy Ropes.
chid: This was episode where you could tell winner 21 minutes in.
hS: Yes. It's always going to be Justin. All the designers know it and are marking time now. Like playing penny slots. Eventually you're a loser, but it's a slow downhill roll.
Isaac didn't like the "danger" in Jay's necklace. I didn't either. Made me think that if Jay had Jesus as his model for this challenge, He'd be uncomfortable wearing that dress with the nailgun quiver necklace. The dress is made of ripstop fabric so it'd be really scratchy. I don't think He'd like it very much other than the waistline would be quite flattering.
chid: Snooki and Jwow have bad taste in everything. I'm semi-surprised that neither of them are engulfed in flames right now.
hS: Having them judge Project Runway is like shotgunning a six pack of Budweiser & Clamato Chelada. Fun idea during casting and development cuz it's kinda funny, and it just might work, but they show up and spray their bad taste everywhere as fast as they can and make a fucking mess. I felt for Isaac having to sit next to Snooki, but at least they agreed that no girl looks good with boob fat. NO ONE WANTS BOOB FAT.
It's actually sad they had those two idiots judging next to Elie Tahari. He's a good judge, has significant influence in the fashion world, actually adds value to the discussion, but he was silenced by the Chelada Twins and their "That? I don't like that. It looks like tape. I already tape myself into my clothes, 'n' I don't want that. No one here is hot. NEXT!"
chid: Who do you think is going home?
hS: #designerIKEA. Chris March will stay, make clever fat gay jokes, and fall asleep in the breakroom. Full disclosure: He snores. Get out the CPAP. Ooops, it was Michelle and #designerDöom in the bottom. Sorry, Michelle, told you that chevron could be the death of you.
chid: I hated so many things equally this week. Wait—Jay was in the top 2? This is terrible. Nina Garcia would have eaten his tiny bones.
hS: Georgina liked the non-tarpiness of Jay's tarp danger dress so he moves into the top. Whatever. I hated so much, too, but I usually do anyway. None of this is a surprise to any of my 10 fashion followers on Twitter—1 of whom is still Marie Claire. I try to get out one compliment per episode so here goes: Alyssa, you sat very well on that stool and didn't pass out from wheezing so much. Good job.
chid: Everyone said that Alexandria's dress was like a costume, but something cannot be a costume if it looks like nothing. "What are you?" they would ask you at a Halloween party, "something very ugly and non-specific," you would respond. Good riddance, Alexandria.
hS: You would probably be asked to leave that Halloween party if you were wearing that dress: "Not to be mean, but would you mind? You're scaring my children."
chid: Next week looks like a team challenge. I'm glad we're on the same team, humanSuitcase. Any closing thoughts?
hS: Small shame that Alexandria went home this week because she'd be excellent at the Good vs. Wicked challenge in the next episode. Peh, sorry not sorry. I am glad we're teamed up, too. I would never want to face off against your computing power. You're the best!
chid: BEST FRIENDS!!