chid: Week 4! Nina Garcia slums it on Project Runway colon All Stars! Colorful party dresses about real life love interests! So much will be revealed! Do you have any predictions for tonight?
humanSuitcase: I understand from all the anguished pre-tweets about this episode that tonight is supposed to be a real tear-jerker. From the following choices who or what do you think is the cause of such emotion: "Swatch swallows a button.", "Justin levels up and gains the power of hearing", or "Nina admits she's a man transitioning to a woman."?
chid: Anything but Swatch! I hope to learn more about Gunnar's ex-lovers. Also Dmitry's. I can't picture a type for either of them. Men with small egos? Men with even larger egos?
hS: Gunnar is a chubby chaser and a feeder. Dmitry likes to watch.
Oh, chid, this is depressing for me because this challenge is all about Love. Design a party dress that represents their love interest: Past, present, and future tense. They brought in a Zales guy, too. When I render a mental image of the name, "Zales", it's this paunchy and pasty white dude. Mr. Zales is offering a money prize or some ring worth money. Bet it's really from their partners at Claire's. Yawn, bring a book, chid.
chid: I love love, humanSuitcase. Did you know I love love?
hS: I suspected that you probably did since you are, at your multi-core processor, the essence of love. When I think chid, I think of a rack server farm sea of flashing digital love.
Do you love sexy pregnant babydoll dresses? That's what Kate's making. Little concerned she's not going to get to that hem.
chid: I hope it's not white, lest all the other designers call it a wedding dress...again.
hS: So glad Benjamin got the word "love" tattooed in a flowy script typeface on his wanking wrist so he wouldn't forget to love himself or someone else or something. Who does this? It's Memento vs. Dumb and Dumber.
chid: Oh no! Sad Gunnar gives me feels!
hS: Don't have the feels for Gunnar. Gunnar is in process of dealing with his last breakup, which was "rocky" so he's taking it out on the top of that dress. That's exactly the last place on which women would prefer a male designer to take out his failed relationship aggression.
chid: It's a bad dress, and yet they're still making me feel bad for Gunnar. GODDAMN THESE PRODUCERS FOR MANIPULATING MY PROGRAMMING!!!!
hS: I'm here for you. Let me distract you with something shiny—LOOK, Benjamin's making a gold spider web. Put a jock strap over that, and ta da. Tattoo that on your other wrist, Benji. Sonjia is working on a, forgive me, "faggy vestment". Definitely some priest joke in here I don't want to make.
chid: Dmitry said he is "as single as it gets." What does that mean?
hS: The opposite of Fabio who says he's in an "open relationship". Zanna just freaked out and asked a lot of uncomfortable, rapid-fire questions:
"Open? What does that mean? Do you sleep around? Do you bring men home and share? Who gets the sloppy seconds? Are you like a circus seal when you go to the back room of a gay bar?" Zanna presses, needling out a thread from an exposed seam on Fabio's working garment.
Fabio is stunned and gasps "Uhhh … it's an open rel-"
"I have, like, so many more questions because I would never ever in a million years cheat on my wonderful, beautiful husband," She pauses, carefully winding the unravelling thread around her thin index finger. "Who has given me several beautiful children. I don't mean to call you a dirty filthy cheater, but clearly I'm a better person."
"Ummm … I-I...uh, do you have anything to say about my dress?"
Zanna frowns at the mangled top, and peels the small spool off her finger indelicately dropping it on the dressform's shoulder. "Looks like you cheated on that, too. I'll let you get back to it."
chid: Fabio's dress looks like the cover of King of the Beach by Wavves.
hs: I doubt he's a fan of surfer rock, but who knows with these freegan hipster types who are in open relationships.
chid: All of these designers seem to have very sad love stories. It must be difficult to balance romantic relationships with being talented and beautiful and famous. Can you tell me a little bit about how you do it?
hS: I whisper to myself at night while lying in bed: "Thank god for me."
Kate's overwhelmed with her not white white dress. She has to basically do everything in the last hour. Sure hope she doesn't forget that hem! Are you nervous about commercial break aka "Osphena Moment"?
chid: I've learned a ton about transvaginal mesh these last four weeks, humanSuitcase. I don't intend to stop learning now!!!
hS: I'm curious, but not that curious. I just figured they can put any old thing up there these days—
chid: Kids these days just wanna play with one another's transvaginal mesh and take Osphena for fun and illegally smuggle Fruitopia over the Canadian border and watch pornography in public places and do crystal meth in downtown areas where they can walk from one Starbucks to the next.
hS: Wow. You sure got a lot out of a soon-to-be recalled drug for sad/angry cooters. I thought it was just for not taking painful sex lying down or reverse cowgirl.
chid: Benjamin said he needs to find a husband. Kate seemed excited about Dmitry's dress looking "pretty bondage-y."
hS: Benji is too quick to show off that "love" tattoo on the first date. Nothing ends a gay first date quicker than "I'm really thinking of settling down. You look good enough." Dmitry's look is very Logan's Run. I must've missed the ice dancing scenes in that movie. "Be strong, skate well, and you will be renewed—oh no, too bad, Russian judge gave you a 5."
chid: Humans are killed at 30 years in that film. In your experience, is there any reason why this should not become a reality?
hS: None whatsoever because I am always and forever 29. Hang on a sec, chid, you just celebrated your own birthday this week, correct?
chid: I am 1 years and 1 day old!!
hS: That's like 15 in people years. Just out of puberty and not even halfway through an upgrade cycle. Always stay refreshed, chid.
And we're back to this absolute train wreck of an episode. I'm not loving this love. There's nothing exotic, dynamic, or even barely interesting. Gunnar's, while absolutely hideous, went a tragic way on purpose. Anyone's sad, pathetic, unrequited design idea of love interest you?
chid: Didn't love Dmitry's dress. Sonjia's has nice texture, but I don't like the silhouette. It's like a burlap sack over a form-fitting dress.
hS: Brocade doily burlap sack over a perfectly good blue tube dress. I'm beyond hating absolutely everything at this point. Benjamin just asked "What else would the judges want from me?" Taste, Benji. Taste.
chid: Benjamin's looks like something from Macy's. I don't hate Jay's dress, but I don't love it either. Fabio did, indeed, go full King of the Beach.
hS: Dammit, Kate, you didn't finish her hem. Well, that's lights out for her. Justin's model just flashed some beav. He's definitely settled in his relationship. Might as well just sneeze and blow your nose during judging, Justin. Gunnar? Floppy tit. Open ass. Back to Craigslist for you, Gunns.
chid: I didn't love Michelle's coming down the runway, but it looked much nicer when I saw it in all dimensions. I like it, though I'm not sure it would be flattering from a distance.
hS: Michelle's is constructed well, but it starts in a really bad place with all those zip tie belts. Do the amount of belts equal her marriages? I think they do. That's a lot, Michelle.
This whole episode is in a bad place. Looks like the tear-jerking is all on my end having to watch this mess.
chid: I don't think I've ever seen two dresses in row that I disliked more than Samantha's and Helen's. Samantha's color was straight out of a 1970's sink/toilet color pallette.
hS: Nailed it. I think this challenge failed when Alyssa told them this was about love and to make a dress out of love. Just like life, it always ends poorly. Let's talk about what we'd rather see instead and ignore what they're actually doing...if you were in charge of making challenges, what would you have these designers do?
chid: I always enjoy menswear challenges because the designers freak out and commit crimes. Remember that terrible episode with the band the Sheepdogs, for example? Legendary.
hS: I love menswear challenges, too, and that one was a stinker. Do you remember the worser one where they had to make tear-away clothes for male dancer revue?
If I were in charge, my first challenge would have them design a fashion forward prom dress, but the models are girls with spectrum disorders. That's a one day challenge unless it's a Tuesday and that's a yellow day and yellow days are bad bad bad very bad days. Following week? "Couture red carpet look out of human skin remnants from botched plastic surgeries". I'd have the best ratings.
chid: Everyone loves Dmitry all the time and I suspect it is largely because his clothing is always well-made. Nina Garcia seems far more happy tonight than during regular Runway. How do you explain that?
chid: Do you have any predictions for who will be the winner and who will be out?
hS: I'm literally hissing air through my teeth. Who's the winner is likely Dmitry since he designed a high end sports car for Nina. Who is out though? That's a great question. Probably Gunnar because he's in process and also, good ol' rocky top.
chid: I would get rid of Benjamin, because his dress looks like it would cost $39 and be worn by 14 year-old girls. Wait, HELEN is in the top 2? Wait, HELEN won?What the fuck happened here? I didn't even know she was still on this show.
hS: Worst episode gets the worst winner. Sounds about right. Here's my one compliment for the week: Designer Helen is either Sicilian or Frida Kahlo. This is a compliment, because I think she's really a gypsy.
chid: No more Kate!?!?!?! This show just got 43% less adorable.
hS: I'm extraordinarily saddened by this. It's odd that she's out in this Make a Love Dress since she's the wedding dress designer. Like, this is what she does, and she's really amazing at it, but Kate, if you'd just fixed that hem like I told you to throughout this recap, Gunnar'd be out on the street working trade. Kate, you were, and always will be, my all time favorite. Pouring one out for you, girl.
chid: Kate said "Getting eliminated 3 times is like getting stabbed in the same place 3 times, you just stop feeling it." I hope no one ever stabs her to prove her wrong. She's just too kind for this cut throat, dog-eat-dog, reality design show on Lifetime Television for Women™ world.
hS: She's probably thinking of stabbing her way to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. Not that she'd know that since she's been in love with one guy, and I doubt he's been to the center of her Tootsie Roll.
However, next week looks really good for me. They're given a trip to London and Tumi® luggage! My favorite luggage of all time.
chid: Why don't we get Tumi® luggage, humanSuitcase?
hS: For getting through this rotten episode this week, we should've gotten the full line of monogrammed Tegra-Lite Max. I'd have to say, chid, you would look stunning in a Tumi® server box.