A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

chid: Thanksgiving was a holiday last week. There was no Project Runway colon All Stars, because Tony Romo. I missed you, humanSuitcase. I missed you so much.

humanSuitcase: Dawww. I missed you, too, chid. I miss our time together ruining these designers' lives. They all remind me of friends in that when we get together, I immediately want to punch them in the face. You love them, but you punch.


Now, speaking of ruined and soon to be ruined things: Alyssa has waddled out on the runway wrapped in a twin-size bedskirt. I fear both for that runway and the future of stretch cotton. Oh no, I smell a trip coming on.

chid: Our team of designers are in London this week! It's a Paddington Bear-themed outerwear challenge. And is that Sarah Ferguson, the hostess of the Duchess Restaurant in Heathrow airport? "Paddington Bear? MORE LIKE PADDINGTON BARE!!1!!1!!!11!" is a thing I'll say in 49 minutes about someone's design.

hS: The theme this week should be "Everything British Is Ruined". Fergie's credit rating. Paddington's brand. Double decker buses. It's all ruined, and for the first time, it's not Patricia's fault.


Don't think I missed that Alyssa didn't mention our departing designers were receiving the Official Luggage of Project Runway™. Yes, Justin said "I ruv tdis baag uh", but he's really hard to understand with that Bluetooth thing glued to his head. Tumi, your brand needs my help. Thank god for me.

chid: Unofficial Luggage Sponsor of Server Room. The budget for this challenge is 200 quid, which I assume is not nearly enough quid to ship precious cargo such as Swatch across the Atlantic.


hS: Full disclosure: I don't really know the value of anything. I've thought nothing of spending $650 (£6501) on a single piece of luggage I've used once. 200 quid? Is that even enough for British Über? Tell you what, I'll just make this cheque out to "cash".


I am so glad Fergie got someone to cover her shift at the Duchess Diner so she could greet our designers. Extra added bonus here is that Zanna now has someone that can understand her. The prize is to design a coat for Fergs to wear to work. I know she's poor now, but doesn't she know she can just snag one out of those charity bins? Fabio has much to teach her.

chid: DID YOU HAPPEN TO NOTICE THAT BENJAMIN IS FROM LONDON!?!?! Because Jay did, humanSuitcase. Jay fucking did.


hS: I noticed that he had to sit up in the front of the bus and tell everyone about all the men he's done in all of London's public toilets. They're called "loos", Benji. Idiot.

chid: Justin explained that a London woman is "always on the go." I've never been to London, but it sounds like a wonderful land of infinite prostitutes! Have you been to London? Can you confirm?


hS: I have never been to London, no, but, hey, Benji, get this: Saint Etienne is one of my favorite bands of like, all time, and they're way more London than you'll ever be. Oh-oh-oh, I also used to import Lush products when they were only available in London AND Canada. /drops mic

Sonjia has never seen all these different types of fabric. London is clearly so fashion forward in alien fabrics, but Dmitry is nonplussed and panics that he can't find anything he wants to use.


chid: Dmitry is using neoprene fabric, because it's "right now." Did you know that if you turn neoprene into an ice dancing costume, it's still an ice dancing costume?

hS: Dmitry should be fired from all design jobs. He didn't roll his neoprene so it's all wrinkled, and he's crying about it like it's British Mood's fault. This is fabric 101, Dmitry. You roll it up after cutting. I guess all fabric should just do what Dmitry says. In tortured, staccato, fragment sentences.


Oh no, Benji didn't get the gray cotton fabric he really wanted out the million bolts of alien fabric readily available because Sonjia done seent it first. Good recovery in picking that coffee and spittle checkered pattern wool, Benji. Fergie will appreciate her coat was inspired by the floor of a London Starbucks.

chid: I love how earnest the Gunnar Deatheridge is being this episode. He's so happy to be in London! So much love! And Fabio expressed concern about his appearance for the first time ever! THE WHOLE WORLD IS BACKWARDS, humanSuitcase!!!!!


hS: Fabio is the Kriss Kross of fashion, but he also eats out of dumpsters and has open relationships. Gunnar's like En Vogue: Never Gonna Get It. (No, not this time.)


Have I said this week how much I love Michelle? Benjamin was swooning over his tragic frock-in-the-making to Michelle, "Blah blah, I just love this blah, and I think I'll just make it my whole blah." After a long pause, Michelle WIPES HER NOSE WITH HER FIST. "Yeah … it's really cute." Great tell, Michelle. Great tell.

chid: Hang on, there's a CGI Paddington Bear movie!?!?! And here I thought this challenge was based on paying homage to an iconic literary character. I'm shocked and appalled! Next you're gonna tell me that the QVC Accessory Wall is sponsored by the Quality, Value, Convenience corporation.


hS: I'm genuinely upset by this Paddington Bear movie because I adore Paddington Bear. ADORE. Between him and Mr. French from Family Affair, I survived childhood. Mr. French also helped me with puberty, but that's a very personal story. The only way anyone could pay homage to Paddington is if they just leave him the fuck be. He doesn't need your CGI sweatshop help, Hollywood.


chid: Zanna is a yellow-haired fire breathing dragon tonight. She does not want to be embarrassed in front of that Duchess waitress or whatever she is.

hS: Zanna is disappointed in Jay's finishes.

Zanna is disappointed in Samantha's lack of statement.

Zanna is disappointed in Dmitry's vision.

Zanna is disappointed in Benjamin's excuses.

Zanna is disappointed.

"You motherfuckers. I give you all an All Star Experience in London and how do you repay my generosity?" The room is immediately silent. Helen, startled, pops a toggle from her duffle coat. "By disappointing me! This...all this—" Zanna, fuming, kicks Sonjia's wheeled dressform. It caroms off the worktable, scattering pins and tape. No one moves. "—should be burned and thrown in the bin!"


"The lack of All Star Quality in this room is staggering. You assholes now have 2 hours to clean up this bloody mess, get your models through the Chi Hair Care Salon and the Mary Kay studio." Zanna's hair, catalyzed by her anger's heat, suddenly gains immense volume without frizzing. She appears taller now, looming over the shocked designers. The print on her Henry Holland dress fades into dark gray blobs, the hem dropping to the floor. "I don't think you appreciate the gravity of what's going to happen if you embarrass me in my home town.

"You disappoint me further," She points at the designers, her hands once delicate and satin-like, now dry and moderately itchy. "And I will kill each and every one of you sorry lot."


Before anyone could respond, Zanna implodes, zipping into herself until there is nothing left but a light puff of Sobranie cigarette smoke and the sound of Konstantino pearl drop earrings pinging on the floor in the space where she occupied mere moments before.

chid: Almost halfway through the episode and no sign of key sponsor Osphena. I did see a commercial for Gold Bond medicated skin cream, though, which affirmed that as middle-aged human woman, I am the target demo for this network and program.


hS: All this time I had you figured for a Pond's lady.

chid: Michelle asked her model if her look was "cozy, cozy, comfy, comfy." If designing doesn't work out for her, I'm certain she can get a low-paying job writing copy for Duluth Trading Company.


hS: They do make the best underwear. Mr. French would approve.

chid: OH WAIT - did you hear about sex after menopause, humanSuitcase?

hS: Whoa. I hadn't really thought about sex after menopause, but I've been using the pillow technique to adjust my pelvic lift.


chid: ITDOESN'THAVETOHURTTalktoyourdoctoraboutOsphenaOsphenawhywait?

hS: This product is so good I'm going to name my child Osphena why wait?

chid: Debra Messing is a guest judge. She keeps being on TV shows because television executives are positive that she was the reason Will & Grace "worked"


hS: PR producers remembered she played a designer on a gay show so therefore she's the perfect pick for judging a clothing design contest. Karen Elson is also there. Something music. Something True Blood. Whatever. Where's Georgina Chapman? Her line is in recovery so I don't know why she's not there. Judging from Alyssa's lack of interest in wearing anything demure and respecting of her condition tells me that she is giving birth to piñatas.

chid: Dmitry said he went "very, very ambitious with it." This is true in the sense that his neoprene jacket does not appear to be something an ice skater could wear. It does look like something a depressed geisha could pull off. A depressed geisha in Norway? What the fuck, Dmitry. What the fuck.


hS: chid, he had to cover up all that wrinkled neoprene. "Zee mehsh poînts weel lük like beelding but dey ur nöt beelding." I've lost all the confidence I've built up for Dmitry. I'll try to measure how much that is in quid after I figure out what that is.

chid: Benjamin's jacket was cute. I don't know how original it was, but his model did look like a sexually attractive female version of a character from children's literature, so there's that.


hS: To me, Benjamin's represented the best and the worst of London's glory holes with those open pockets. Remember, he lived in London, you know. It's in his DNA. Gag.

chid: Sonjia's jacket looks like something I've seen Sonjia make many times before. Jay's looks like it would be very comfortable to work out in. Did Paddington Bear do a lot of elliptical training and ginger kale smoothie drinking?


hS: Sonjia's has got me thinking of Rae Dawn Chong "You just a big ol' heifer, ha ha!" because she done made the color purple. Again. Good call on Jay's because that's definitely Paddington's activewear when he hits the gym.

chid: Gunnar's was okay, but looked sort of literal. Is that tweed, or a repurposed tablecloth? I liked Fabio's. Justin's looks like it would have been 70% better if it covered the reproductive organs of his model, but a London woman is always on the go, so, what do I know?


hS: If Chanel turned her classic fringed tweed into tablecloth and then ripped it up, that's Gunnar's look. Speaking of literal looks: Helen saved hers by getting rid of the toggles during Zanna's meltdown. Before, the only difference between hers and Paddington's classic coat was the color way. Now it just looks like flappy little girl jumper-y shit. Which is fine because no one cares.

Debra did notice that Justin ran out of fabric which has to be embarrassing because a tv actor designer notices that you, a professional, fashion-forward clothing designer, have shitty fabric estimation skills.


chid: It's a shame about Justin's coat. The sleeves are impeccable. It's perfect in some ways, and bizarrely and obviously flawed in others.

hS: I already gave my compliment to Fabio so Justin isn't getting one regardless how much I appreciate his taste, choice of fabric, and stylish sign language interpreter.


chid: They love Dmitry's look? Was Paddington Bear about a bear who listened to industrial music?

hS: I am shocked and thrilled Paddington Bear has a latex fetish and loves Skinny Puppy. A bear after my own heart. I had always pegged him for tight sweaters, Radiohead, and fixies but goes to show you, chid, even CGI bears can surprise you. I would wear the shit out of Michelle's head-to-toe look, truth be told.


chid: I understand all of their complaints about Benjamin, but his jacket looks like something a young, female, sexually active Paddington Bear would wear. I stand by it.

hS: I would stand under it and let her pee on me.

chid: Samantha has to be going home this week. That jacket was frump city. Paddington Bear had style, humanSuitcase.


hS: Paddington has grace and isn't into #designerNorthFace!

chid: Do you feel like they rushed through the judgments this week? That montage of London travel really ate up a solid 7 minutes they could have used at the end here.


hS: Alyssa's piñata water must've broke. She was clearly shifting a lot in her big girl stool. "Okay...the high scores. Dmitry's is great and Fabio made something playful...um...the low scores—oh my god, I'm crowning!"

chid: Fabio won, and I have to say, his look was innovative and original. It used Paddington Bear as a jumping off point, but was not a literal interpretation of brown/gray plaid. That was one of the best, most original garments from this season, in my opinion.


hS: Compliment of the week: Fabio! He actually bought fabric (must've thought quid = hipster money) and made something wearable for people not in open relationships.

chid: Woah. I didn't expect Benjamin to get sent home. DID YOU KNOW HE LIVED IN LONDON ONCE!?!?!?!


hS: I heard something about that. It was either on a double decker bus or in a dirty bar's back room. I bet he's relieved he's cut so he can get back to using his native Scranton accent.

chid: Next week is a large dice rolling challenge. I like when things are left up to chance.


hS: Fashion gambling, chid. Our hapless designers hit the PR back alley for some clickety-clack. Uh oh, looks like Sonjia is not having something with someone. Unh uh and Um mmm.

chid: I wasn't really paying attention, but I think she has to make a dress out of brioche for a baby shower. Sounds DANGEROUS.


hS: You know who could make anything out of anything? Kate. /sobs

chid: (sorta)R-I-(sorta)P, Kate.

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