chid: I can't believe we're already six weeks in! We're down to nine designers, and this week they'll use oversized dice to decide fabrics and events! I like oversized, inanimate objects. What combinations are you hoping for, humanSuitcase?
humanSuitcase: Roll dem bones, chid. Roll dem bones. Alyssa calls this challenge a "fashion gamble". It's what her stylist said backstage shoehorning her into that leopard print blouse and lycra leggings. Samantha sees a bunch of things she doesn't like so I'm hoping she rolls "Taffeta" and "Fight Club". Her model will lose an eye, but her gown won't lose its shape. I'm hearing Ladytron in my head.
chid: I want Michelle to get "Kevlar" and "Young child's birthday party with anthropomorphic animatronics."
hS: How cute and appropriate would that be? Fabio goes first and rolls "denim" which is suddenly hysterical for whatever reason and "masquerade ball". Pack it up. He's going home. Clearly, for these designers, rolling large black printed cubes on the runway is the most awkward thing in the world.
chid: Why is everyone getting brocade? What is brocade? Dmitry's "I'drathershootmyself" was adorable.
hS: Those dice are as loaded as Helen's blunt she hotboxed offstage. Brocade (pronounced "broke-a-day") is a heavy fabric no one uses except in castle curtains. The warp and weft are super thick so it's just heavy on heavy. The more you know. Justin probably got the easiest fabric and event: "Silk" and "Gallery Opening". That screams backless anything gown. How could that go wrong? Dmitry, of course, had to be the one to flip his dice backwards. He deserves that velvet and his suicide.
chid: Michelle is going to make her look "lacy and a little bit racy." She is the designer I would most trust to sell lingerie to my grandmautomaton.
hS: She chose 4 different types of "holy shit gramma" lace because that's what grammas do: Swear a lot while wearing all their lace gowns at once because they lived through the Depression. Fabio discovered a never-before-touched bolt of hot pink denim. Fabio, honey, Mood just keeps that around to fuck with people. Like, I can see myself playing in that as a child when my Mom would drag me to Hancock Fabrics. "Put that down this instant before I jerk a knot in you! That is not a toy!" Then I'd hide under the cutting tables and grab at the workers legs. Man, fabric store employees can sure scream.
chid: Oh no, Sonjia Brocade drama.
hS: Don't ever ask fabric, especially brocade, to speak to you, Sonjia. All fabric types are known liars. Michelle and Dmitry are right, though. That ain't no brocade. But she don't know! She just mad they're all talking about her fabric behind her back.
chid: Fabio is trying to be nice, Sonjia. He's a sweet, loving man who cares for others and was dressing like it was 1991 way back in 2005.
hS: She's using the other fabric which is Competing Designer Approved™. Not that ANYONE IS RIGHT, but Sonjia's JUST PLAYING IT SAFE.
Oh no, Gunnar, you didn't just say that you weren't ready for Zanna to come in because she just appeared through the same wormhole she folded through last week. Judging by her Doug Henning suit, half the color didn't make it through.
chid: Zanna definitely got that suit from the Warner Brothers back lot when they sold the costumes from Batman Forever.
hS: That was a lovely magician assistant's pantsuit until it was dip dyed halfway in white exterior paint. Sounds like she's no longer mad at them for embarrassing her in London.
"Designers, I've been working with that Alyssa person, and I'm taking a fashion gamble of my own." She chirps. "We'll be doing a photo shoot featuring Alyssa who will be wearing your creation on the cover of Marie Claire. That is, unless she's still preggo, and we'll put it somewhere else in the magazine. Maybe on one of the subscription cards that fall out."
chid: Zanna tried to talk Dmitry into a velvet jumpsuit. I don't know if she's ever watched the show before...
hS: Did you know Helen loves gambling at casinos? She especially loves playing Russian Roulette with her godmother. I mean, who doesn't. That ranks up there with throwing lawn darts with an alcoholic stepfather. Fun for a minute, but someone's going to end up in tears. Anyway, Zanna's not too happy Helen's going to run a slit up the back of her flipside brocade heavy curtain skirt. I see the look on your face, Zanns, but don't worry, Helen's so baked she would never do anything that drastic.
chid: Helen pissed Jay off during his fitting. She said his model looked like a "club girl." Then, to justify her critique, she used finger quotes and said his look was "very fashion forward." Why don't humans know what finger quotes mean?
hS: Jay called her a bitch. As in "Bitch, don't be coming after me gurrrl." Cue Miss RuPaul "Oh no she betta don't."
chid: Uh, I believe he said "BI-ATCH," ala Fred Durst. What is Jay's favorite Limp Bizkit song?
hS: "Stink Finger".
chid: Is that from 3 Dollar Bill Y'all? I'm gonna be honest, I never got into their early stuff, because they obviously peaked with Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog (sandwich) Flavored Water.
hS: I've never been a fan of the band myself, but I am a fan for Fred's nookie and sticking his cookie all up my "yeah."
chid: ...these were going so well...
hS: Gunnar would agree with you. Looks like PR editors are focusing on his wishy-washy/good intentions state. Trashed his first top. Made another that's worse. Sadly confides to Fabio in the sewing room that he's in the "safe zone", but you know he doesn't believe himself. Now, morning of runway he's sighing to his model that the judges are gonna love it or they're gonna hate it. Telling the Mary Kay makeup man to make his model look like a phoenix is just an omen.
Sonjia's the starter today, and her Bachelorette looks she's off to her party at Glitter Gulch in Vegas. I've been there so this is a true statement. That fabric is so stiff and scratchy it's sandpapering her model's tits off. You know when marathon runners get nipple bleeds? That, but for her it's more like Marathon Man for nipples.
chid: It's aggressively aggressive, but it looks like a real garment that could exist in actual life. Guest judge Michael Bastian has a quasi-celebrity face. He could fly a plane or star in a soap opera.
hS: He could also sell cars and/or houses. He nods his head a lot. Not sure if it's agreement or imbalance. Georgina's retail line must be in the black since she's back to judging tonight.
chid: Bored by Justin's. I usually like his stuff. I sort of like what Gunnar did, in light of the masquerade ball conceit, even though I hate fringe.
hS: Justin's makes me feel sad. Usually his work is so up. There's no there, there. Jay's managed to sew two glossy napkins together to make his Whore On Parade look.
chid: Sexy mechanic. Perfect for Halloween 2015.
hS: You could sell that to Carhartt. Hey Zanns, Helen listened to you and put the slit in the front. It's worse, and Georgina, bored with it all, agrees with me.
chid: Jessica Rabbit as a Friends guest star. I liked Fabio's disgusting pink dress. It's hideous, but knowingly hideous, and in that regard, he succeeded. I have no idea how I feel about Michelle's. It's challenging. Do you feel challenged?
hS: Not as challenged as her model's hips. Dmitry was correct. "Vhy do you vant to make hur ass two times beeger than it is?" Honestly, I'm challenged. I noticed Alyssa frowned at it, too. That dress is so hard to look at on my tv—I like it as long as I don't look directly at it. Can't say I'm thrilled with much of anything so Michelle's get up is the tallest midget in the class. I can say that because I am, in fact, the tallest midget here. Is that my compliment this week? Yes. Yes, it is.
chid: Maybe it doesn't translate on television? Those colors are just so "ugly reptile." Isaac is spitting hot fire tonight. He didn't even like Fabio's crazy styling. It was obviously intentional.
hS: Has Isaac Mizrahi been on this show all this time? It wasn't until his comment about divorcing Fabio's bad styling from that ridiculous pink denim, that I noticed he's probably been judging all this time. At least he asked Alyssa if she had to pee before discussing the bottom looks...Ouch, Sebastian just called Justin "lazy". Doesn't he know he has a condition?
chid: Just because he has a lady act out words to him!?!?! That's a hate crime.
hS: I'm afraid ol' Gunns going home. On referencing Gunnar's ode to birds and butterflies, Isaac said "That look is an insult to every bird and butterfly I've ever seen." That's not a good thing, and this is from a designer that hawks activewear to non-active women on QVC.
chid: As Gunnar said, "they were not in the mood for a masquerade ball." If I had to base the decision on tonight alone, I'd send Justin home. His dress was a rare miss for him, but it looks like something you'd find on a Kohl's clearance rack.
hS: It's a Vera Wang For Kohl's covered in shopping cart treadmarks. Have you seen Kohl's do recovery? They have little Zambonis that run around the store that clear everything off the floor.
Shit, Sonjia won with her This Is Actually Brocade "dress". God, can you imagine Alyssa giving birth to her dachshunds on Marie Claire's cover wearing that? I can. It's amazing.
chid: I liked Gunnar for his snazzy personality, not his garments. He is a phoenix. Worked hard. Got his degree online. Don't count him out.
hS: I liked him for his candy crunch. Alyssa just fell off her Applebee's bar stool to bid him adieu. Isaac acted like he was going to catch her. Good try, Isaac.
chid: I'm just glad that we get to watch Fabio do another thing that makes no sense.
hS: Uh oh, they have to design for a man next week. You can smell the fail from here. Michelle's already pre-loaded it by saying she "doesn't design around a penis every day". Who does, Michelle? Who does?
chid: Can't wait!!!!!!!