chid: Another week, another fashion show. Tonight's challenge is about menswear and Match.com, which I think is the place that singles go when they are not attractive enough for Tinder. Human men are males of the human race. What are you looking for tonight, humanSuitcase?
humanSuitcase: I'm looking for Alexander McQueen tailoring and style, but knowing how these designers react to a menswear challenge it only means they're going to let me down just as he was from his wardrobe railing.
chid: Alyssa said they are collaborating by working in pears tonight. This sounds delicious. Pears are better than apples.
hS: Get your mouth ready because you're going to see a lot of pears and apples bobbing around in some tight slacks tonight. Expect liberal use of the NFL Penis Cam Censor Bar™.
chid: Sonjia and Dmitry - America's power couple. "Sonjia picks me to work with her, because I'm the best. Why else?" The actual challenge this week is to design outfits for couples on their first date. It is a one-day challenge. I hope they make a onesie for one of these men. I really, truly do.
hS: No one in PR show history has ever made Manpers (Man Rompers). Shame Michael l'Orange Kors isn't here to mentor against the dangers of onesies. Speaking of knowing male stranger danger, Michelle takes the lead tonight with the first male model, and we get a flashback of her previous stripper fail. Be afraid, Michelle, be very afraid.
chid: If Michelle thinks it's difficult to "design for a gent," I'd love to see her design for a sentient robot. Jay with the line of the episode so far "It looks sophisticated, it looks bright, it looks GAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY." This is love.
hS: Love and gay is the bow in Fabio's hair. He insists his line has menswear, but you know it's nothing but silk charmeuse Utilikilts. He says he's doing a jacket and pants. That's Fabio-speak for colorful flouncy man blouse, man wrap skirt, forearm sleeve separates and a furry hat. It's the New Genderless Millenium.
chid: Michelle is having a sickness-induced sadness meltdown this episode. She is very good at designing. I hope she is able to pull together. The show would not be the same without Michelle's distinct sentence structure and garment construction.
hS: Michelle is literally bleeding out on the floor from V-neck trauma, but could Samantha help her? Unh unh and mmm mmm. According to Sam, when you're on a plane going down, you put the oxygen mask on yourself before your friend. Samantha would make a great rape counselor.
chid: Xeljanz commercial? Tell my doctor if I've been to a region where fungal infections are common? I'm going to Mexico in January, humanSuitcase, are fungal infections common there!??!?!?!?!??!
hS: Only those that get water in their transvaginal meshes. Are you thinking about having painful sex in Mexico, chid? Talk to your doctor first.
chid: How much ecstasy did Jay do this week? Just the right amount of ecstasy?
hS: Sam put the oxygen mask on Jay before Michelle. Like a goddamn gay Frank Booth running around the design room. Baby wants to fuck. And make something girly.
chid: Sonjia's designs often look like things that could exist in the functional world of humans. I suspect she will fare well in this challenge, even though right now, her dress looks perfect for Easter. Jay also made an Easter outfit. Zanna put it on. It's sort of unfair for her to judge it though, since he didn't even have a chance to finish embroidering a white scorpion on the back of it yet.
hS: Sonjia is blowing a perfect opportunity to make foldover acid washed jeans a la Limited Express since Dmitry is dead set on resurrecting asymmetrical sweaters from Oak Tree. Their models would make a lovely 80s couple.
Jay made Rizzo's Pink Lady jacket from Grease 1, but his gay model is British. That was Grease 2, Jay. Idiot.
chid: Now it's time for the fittings. Michelle's look is pretty nice! She pulled it together! That guy looks like normal human man!! PENIS INCLUDED!!!
hS: The top and overall look is very Scotch & Soda. Michelle, darling, you finally get the hS Compliment Of The Week™. This guy's rather built so it could've been taken in a bit more, but it flatters his shoulders and neck. Jay's is absolutely ridiculous. Between his and Fabio's looks, it's evident their models' first date is doing molly and roller skating.
chid: The sleeves on that pink jacket Jay made are just not right. They look stretched out. Michelle's menswear is the best menswear by a wide margin.
hS: Michelle's choice of cashmere was very smart. Want a woman to touch your chest on a first date, guys? Cover yourself in cashmere. Or money.
chid: I really don't like Fabio's this week. Michelle just compared Helen's dress shirt to Monica Lewinsky's dress. There is so much to hate this week.
hS: I'm happy to see Michelle's back from vomiting in the interview room to vomiting on other designers' work. Just as it should be.
chid: Oh look, Alyssa stole the fabric from Fabio's dress last week and turned it into a maternity top! Oh hey, Laverne Cox is here. I love her. Sonjia or Michelle need to win this week almost as much as Laverne Cox needs more scenes in Orange is the New Black.
hS: If Alyssa doesn't give birth soon, she will explode. I've never seen anyone this pregnant. According to Kmart's Joe Boxer commercial, she should be dancing like Beyoncé.
chid: Dmitry made an ice dancing sweater. Fabio's top is a Yankees jersey with a bullet proof vest over it. His inspiration was the Bronx in 1977.
hS: Ever wonder what Richard Gere would look like ice dancing? I haven't either, but I think I'll be able to unsee this in less than 5 minutes. Fabio's top was Bronx '77, but the pants are inspired by Structure '92: Year of The Flat Ass.
chid: On closer inspection, it looks like Michelle's tailoring wasn't as good as Justin's, but Michelle's look was less safe and more fun. Justin's look was boring.
hS: Michelle's model's wang took up all her seam allowance and now he has a sausage line. Samantha made boobs her problem. Justin's pants were much better than Michelle's, but that shirt is Kenneth Cole seconds. Yes, he made a dress shirt in a day without a pattern or ever having seen a dress shirt before, but he'd be laughed out of Bangladesh sweatshops for being so inefficient and also, that collar. Who was he designing for? Paul Poluszny?
chid: The bed shirt Helen made is hot garbage. Oh, they just called it pajamas. Perfect. I wish Laverne Cox was a host every week. SHE HIT ON THAT ONE DUDE AND THEN MADE THOSE GUYS KISS! She's basically the cool pope of prestige TV dramas.
hS: I want to know what's going on with Helen's model that required an enormous blue satin modesty panel but a wide open reveal in the back. Was her Match.com profile "If both dog nipples and doggy style turn you on, I'm your gal."? Saint Laverne Cox is 10 times the guest celebrity judge PR's ever had. They better bring her back. I dreamt she takes over hosting after Alyssa hatched and a million baby spiders crawled out to eat her up.
chid: Wait no, now the best line from this episode is "It's like a gay priest on a yacht." Isaac did a good thing for once.
hS: He's finally coming out of his QVC cocoon. Spread your witty wings and fly away, Butterfly Isaac.
chid: Who do you think is going home this week? Who do you think is winning?
hS: Michelle was winning when we could just see the top, but she's got crazy crotch and oddly tapering legs with imaginary hems. Where's Chris March to break off a piece of Pants 101 for you Michelle? Gone, but never forgotten. RIP, Chris. Who would get your thumbs up/thumbs down if you had thumbs?
chid: I assume Samantha is going home and Sonjia is winning. They seem to be raving about Fabio's look. I just don't get it, humanSuitcase. They hated his Pepto Bismol masquerade gown last week, which was intentionally crazy, but they loved his dystopian future baseball jersey first date outfit, which was unintentionally crazy. Nothing makes any goddamn sense on this fucking show.
hS: It's fashion. It's doesn't have to make sense—wait a minute, that's "candy" and from a movie. Strike it. Reverse it. Thank you.
chid: Fabio wins!?!?!?!?! FABIO WINS!?!?!?!?!?! I love Fabio. I love him more than I love a nice restart in the middle of a workday, but that was a terrible look.
hS: I don't think it was a terrible look. I think it was terribly executed. Which is worse. He should have to make that over again while during a live, 8 hour Michael Kors lecture on finishing techniques as punishment.
chid: Surprise double save!!! Justin's tears are heartbreaking. This means we'll be writing these recaps until at least March, humanSuitcase. MARCH.
This is the downside of PR Colon All Stars, chid. There's no Mercedes Benz Fashion Week at the end of this fucktunnel so they can pull stunts like this without having to double cut the next episode to keep time. They should, and they might, but hell, there's nothing stopping them from bringing back Kate just cuz. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
chid: Next week, Rob Gronkowski guest judges or something, I don't even fucking know anymore. Love you.
hS: We're back in 3 weeks, chid. 3 WEEKS. The Gronk judges the Aquatic Challenge. Winner designs his Aquaman movie costume. Loser is drowned in a shallow puddle. I love you, too, dear sweet chid. Happy holidays to you and the server room!