chid: It has been weeks, humanSuitcase. I can't believe we passed up the opportunity to end our last recap with "See you next year!" That would have made everything so much better for everyone. Live and learn. Here we are. Back and made of ice. And this USA Today synergy is phenomenally bad.
hS: That USA Today Travel guy has the wrong idea on how to wear pants unless his waist is truly under his the third nipple on his shoulder blade. He looks really awkward standing there, poolside. I'm not sure why USA Today is doing a fashion spread on their travel cover—the winner will be recognized by millions of women who think a night out is gearing up in their best cat bedazzled sweatshirt and dress Sauconys to eat at Red Robin? Who needs that exposure? Anyway, what do you like to lounge in around the server room, chid?
chid: Spandex animal prints. You?
hS: Fashion forward sleeper bottoms—basically, acid washed pajama jeans with a drop crotch.
chid: I can't believe they're giving the designers new models. No wait, I can't believe how convoluted this pool boy strip-show-lycra-selection-process is. It's unfathomable. Semi-nude male models diving in a swimming pool, collecting orbs of fabric for designers to use? Who thinks of these things. Also, did you see that one man's quad tats?
hS: I'm looking a bit higher than that but lower than the belly button. Just like all the designers on this show. Actually, I'm looking back at that uncomfortable USA Today guy. "Hey tiger, wanna take me back to your hotel and show me the marks from where your belt cuts into your ribs?"
chid: Okay, but did you see that other guy's leg hair? It was so voluminous and yet so well groomed.
hS: We should all have such well groomed leg hair. I dragged an Epilady over mine when I was a teen one time so I could have silky smooth leg skin. Still recovering today.
chid: From a feminist perspective, I like that they made men sex objects during a swimwear challenge. From a robotic perspective, these flesh-based lifeforms are weak and disgusting.
hS: Aw, you're just mad you wouldn't look good in a square cut.
chid: You know me so well. Extra Swatch screentime this episode. What an adorable dog.
hS: How'd he get on the counter? He's like a turtle on a fencepost, but so much cuter. I hope someone at Mood Fabrics gets him down before he falls, and I cry.
chid: Michelle got a haircut? Sonjia is showing her midriff. It's only been a couple of weeks, and everything is different.
hS: That's called a "Marcel Wave". Michelle is showing us the lesbian mohawk adaptation. Everything is different, yes, yet some are the same. Fabio's still looking for a third. No one talks to Jay. Samantha remains clueless. Helen's hair is overconditioned and mopey. Dmitry is still feeling vulnerable, neurotic and exasperated. Everyone's out to get him and not share their fabric.
chid: Rob Lowe went from Parks & Rec to DirectTV commercials to a new Lifetime original series ("Beautiful & Twisted") about fucking and murder.
hS: And Chris Pratt got all buff, killed Osama bin Laden, and went to outer space with a raccoon and a tree. I can't wait to see what direction Amy Poehler goes in. If I were her agent, I'd get her signed on to remake old ABC Afterschool Specials starting with the classics, "Please Don't Hit Me, Mom" and "My Dad Lives In A Downtown Hotel."
chid: I could totally see her taking the Rosanna Arquette role in the CBS classic, "One Cooks, the Other Doesn't." It's the role she was born to play. Was this the construction zone challenge redux? Because Michelle's bathing suit look like caution tape. OH SHIT, British female Tim Gunn just said the same thing!
hS: I can't take the opinion from anyone that showed up in the workroom looking like they took a nap in Tim Burton's dirty clothes hamper. Sorry, Zanna, but...Beetlejuice!
chid: Dmitry's model is clearly going to a resort in the Middle East with that camo print on.
hS: Zanna says "Bond girl coming out of the water." I say "Boko Haram Pinup Girl." The "It" Look for the back of Ugandan milk cartons.
chid: He's so angry this episode. I guess he's scrapping his dress entirely and throwing something new together. I doubt he could make anything worse.
hS: I really like the way his anger comes through when he's chewing his food and staring down Michelle to get her remnants. Michelle can see it, too, and she answers right back with forceful, loud crunching and eye darting to the workroom. This has to be a PR history-making moment where no one has said anything for a full 2 minutes.
chid: It's Michelle's birthday, humanSuitcase. Let's guess her age. I'll say she is 23 human years old and adorable as ever.
hS: I've counted and measured her tattoo rings. By my math, she's 183. Quite the young spruce, but she should pay attention to the frown lines.
chid: That makeup artist is the only man other than Kyle Orton who can pull off a handlebar moustache. It's just a fact. RIP Kyle Orton's career. We'll miss you.
hS: Have you noticed that the all the commercials for Project Runway this season are pretty much all about people who need to talk to their doctor before doing anything? People on a beach with poop log jams. Mouth herpes. Vaginal mesh issues. Whatever Xeljanz is supposed to treat.
chid: I noticed a brand new Abreva commercial tonight. Say what you will about Lifetime™ Television for Women, they know their demographic. I hope we learn from them in 2015!!!
hS: I've learned not to ever be a woman. By their standard, women explode after getting out of bed.
chid: On to the runway. Justin's look was very nice. Hot swimsuit. Good cover. I loved Jay's dress, but the suit had a hideous pattern and poorly tailored bottom.
hS: Justin made the dress Goldilocks would wear. Not too hot. Not too cold. Just right. Perfect for the JJill market whose color for 2015 is jaundice.
chid: I'd like to congratulate Samantha on her Brazilian swimsuit. That is what human model ass looks like?
hS: It fell out earlier when she was back in the workroom and accidently twisted the top before attaching it to the bottom of her poolside glamour look and made an Infinity Dress. Her girl is now supersymmetrical; able to be in both New York and Milan at the same time. A fashion forward fermion. Of course, Samantha panicked and turned it into a jumper. Boo.
chid: Isaac complimenting the color of Dmitry's dress is like someone complimenting the color of dogshit.
hS: You're gonna hate me cuz Compliment of the Week™ goes to Dmitry. I actually like the Cher Guevara look. I hate myself for liking it.
chid: I could never hate you unless you deprived me of Abreva and Osphena for a week, in which case SEE YOU IN HELL. Jay's dress was beautiful and glamorous, but his bathing suit looked like it was made for a grandma who is still trying to be cool.
hS: I want Jay's evening poolwear because I've always wanted to flounce around my condo while yelling at the housekeeper: "Semret! We rake the shag in long strokes in this country! LONG! Long-o! Christ, just forget it and make me another martini, up with two diet pills." Jay's is the perfect breezy flouncewear for that job. I'll take two.
chid: Samantha's bathing suit was trash on fire. It's not easy to make models look terrible in bathing suits, and yet she managed to do it! How did you feel about Michelle's look?
hS: The poochy peplum pleating clubwear put me off quite a bit. Made her model look like a dumpy Minnie Driver. With worse posture. Amazingly, Minnie vanished at the reveal to that hot one piece. I wanted to slut shame the model for how it hung so low on her nips, but Michelle somehow kept it tasteful enough. Young but not trashy.
chid: Yeah. I hated that print, and Michelle made it look hot. Sonjia's jacket dress looks like an oil drum.
hS: I mean, if you're going to make an oil drum, make it look expensive. Not just any old oil drum, but the oil drum. The one speculators and investors want. The reveal wasn't much better. Missoni granny panties? Construction issues on the top. C'mon, Sonjia. I know the judges loved your look, but you can do better. I don't think Helen should get a E-Zpass to next week. The dark lace "suiting" was polite but junky, and the swimsuit was a strangled peacock mess. Poor model had to tuck her labia, and I don't even want to think about how she went about doing that.
chid: Who is winning? Who is going home?
hS: I want Dmitry to win with his Grace Jones As The Last King of Scotland, but I think it's time for Sonjia to pack her oil drum and go.
chid: I'd kick Samantha out for that bathing suit. It was not the right size, like at all, and I feel that Jay's dress was better than hers even though his bathing suit was vomit.
hS: It's just not even funny, and I laugh at pretty much anything these jokers put out. I noticed Alyssa didn't think it was so funny either with the "Who's The Boss" flashback. That was some uncomfortable shifting in her special Professor X bar stool when Nigel Barker had to explain moose knuckles.
chid: Justin won! So adorable. So sweet. I loved that look.
hS: You did? I can't say I was all that attracted to it, but he did get all the proportions right on that Amazon model. For that, good on him. I got a little teary for his win, but I had just shot up a little too much Flonase so it could be that.
chid: I'm glad Jay and his short-shorts are here for at least one more week. It's not a surprise that he and Samantha were the bottom two. Those were some terrible bathing suits.
hS: Bye Samantha. I'd say it's been great, but I'd be lying, and I don't like to lie which is a lie. I think Jay still has more to give, but I don't think I want it anymore. I would've been fine with this being Drop 2 contestants week considering Helen and Justin's reprieve before the holidays.
chid: Next week features shark jumping and ample bitchface. It's an avant-garde challenge and a Dmitry-centric episode. Can't wait.
hS: Helen sketching in a shark tank? I mean, sure, why not? Why the fuck not. By the way, I've got $50 on Zanna taking Dmitry out in the first round.