A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

Project Runway : All Stars Season IV, Episode 9 Recap

chid: Another week, another visit to the Long Island Aquarium. Alyssa Milano just said that she was the inspiration for Ariel in the Little Mermaid? Did you know that, humanSuitcase? Did you know that the moon is a planet? Did you know that the avant garde challenge is my second favorite challenge?

humanSuitcase: She's been working that "I was the inspiration for Ariel" for years. Honey, producers say anything you want to hear to get you on or off the couch. Sean Young'll tell you, Alyssa. Last week we had Mood's Swatch on the checkout counter, and now there's penguins, Kevin and Pam, on stools. I guess in the world of fashion we put animals on things on which they don't belong. Wait wait wait, the moon's a planet? It's a star, isn't it? Let's get resident astrologer, Isaac Mizrahi, for his take later in this recap.


Avant garde challenge is one of my least favorite challenges, chid. I expect these designers to produce Gaultier Fifth Element fabulous but they end up producing Hollywood from Mannequin instead.

chid: Alyssa offered the designers an additional $100 if one of them volunteered to sketch in the shark tank. Helen agreed, because being a shark tank is similar to shopping at Hot Topic, and it's just been so long.

hS: Did you get a load of Hot Topic Helen's sketch? 1980s Cocoon! Jessica Tandy would be so angry she wasn't embalmed and buried in that gown. I also may or may not have had a thing for Wilford Brimley during my Santa Claus phase, but I'm well past that now. Santa's holly isn't as jolly as you'd think.


chid: Jay chose to base his look on a lion fish. I really hope he goes literal and uses zebra print.

hS: Sonjia's going for piranha. You would think that they're really vicious, chid, but they're not. They're kinda beautiful. Simple misunderstanding, according to Sonjia.


chid: Dmitry is doing a lot of math for his seahorse look.

hS: Idiot. Everyone knows seahorses can't do math.

chid: If you were at the long Island Aquarium, what would you take inspiration from, humanSuitcase?


hS: The perv on the bench inside politely scoping the kids. The balloons and lost puppy are what I would draw from. What's your inspiration, chid? I'm sure it's love or love-related, but you always surprise me.

chid: Arnold Friedman is not at the aquarium. He is in prison and dead. My inspiration would be those sexy water fountains. Did you get a look at those pipes?


hS: Sad about Mr. Friedman. Such an inspiration. I did not see those pipes, but Justin is working some pipes into the shoulders of his look. I think he can hear you. Oh.

chid: Poor sad Justin. And sad Michelle. We knew this episode would be a tear-jerker. Last week's cabana boys were just a jerker.


hS: I'm sad about the cuffs on Justin's jean shorts, but it's reassuring he has a friend in Michelle to calm his raw nerves. Aw, you see that Hot Topic Helen donated her extra fabric? That will fix everything, Justin. If only he'd look across the room where Fabio is constructing a asexual reversible tuxedo pantsuit, he'd feel better about himself. And check out Cuttlefish Corner, where Michelle is second-guessing her Mardi Gras, fashion-forward maternity poncho with an open back. Women will be clamoring for that at Baby 'n' Me and Motherhood in 2035, Michelle. Clamoring.

chid: Why is Zanna going at Dmitry this week? Dmitry is an international superstar of arrogance. Don't tell him his business! His business is making flawlessly-tailored ice dancing costumes and speaking in perfect sentences.


hS: He is an inspiration for us all. Doesn't massively frustrated Zanna know that when the model is underlit she will be like Camaro? He does need a win, though. Glad she pointed that out. It's important for these designers to have goals. Thank God for Zanna. And, thank God for Lauren B to save the day with fashion forward nail care. Do you care about this diversion? I sure don't.

chid: What the fucking shit was that thing on Sonjia's model's head!?!?!

hS: It's an avant garde piranha hood that acts like avant garde gills. It's the avant garde future. They just can't say that enough on this episode. Avant garde.


chid: It's like an arts and crafts version of a Daft Punk Halloween costume. Fabio is right about Dmitry's look. He made six of them in season 10.

hS: Speaking of Fabio. How about his asexually reproducing pantsuit? He cut off fringe, and more fringe grew back. See? Anemone.


chid: Did you hear about Dick Poop?

hS: I found him on Christian Mingle.

chid: It's been a confusing week for me, humanSuitcase. First Peter Pan used a butt to serve food to a gentleman and now Dick Poop is everywhere. How do humans keep up with the trends?


hS: It's a complicated mix between designers, stylists, media, businesses and Bieber's photoshopped abs. Also, planet moon is a trendsetter.

chid: Technically the moon is not a sun. This challenge is the glitter eyebrow challenge. I just saw a Cici's Pizza commercial. I only live in this state because Cici's Pizza does not exist here. I CAN SMELL ASS PIZZA. I CAN TASTE.


hS: Justin has turned his model into a Minion with that hairstyle. The purple kind from the second Despicable Me movie. They didn't steal the moon in that one, but maybe Isaac should watch the first so he'd know it's not a planet, but does anyone know what the sun even is?


chid: The sun is like a planet that caught on fire because of global warming or something. Technically. I can't manage of astronomy, which. I can't. Or.

hS: Watching Dmitry too much has reprogrammed your speech pattern, chid. Usual judges this week. Marchesa's Georgina Chapman. Noted astrophysicist and QVC brand rep Isaac Mizrahi. Who's this other woman?


chid: Wait, hang on, someone from the Pussycat Dolls "rose to fame"?

hS: Oooh! I loved them back in the '70s. My favorite was when they teamed up for the NEW Scooby Doo Movies. Jack Canna and Injun Joe would've gotten away with that counterfeiting ring, too, if it wasn't for all that meddlin'. I remember the breakout song from that episode was "Watch Out For The Pollock". That just wouldn't work with today's culture, but it's nice to see someone making a comeback in their career minus the cat ears and tail.


Sssh, sssh, runway's starting.

chid: Helen used sand color fabric for her sandshark dress.

hS: Michelle made future Hatchetface. So glad Baltimore's edgy again.


chid: Fabio made a Georgia O'Keefe painting.

hS: Sonjia made another Grace Jones look. Undersea May Day. Not well-fitting cuz I can see her kelp.


chid: Justin's dress looks like ⅔ of something a normal human with no taste could wear. Not sure it's avant garde enough for this challenge. I predicted Jay would use Zebra-print fabric. He made it himself. A+ effort.

hS: You can really predict the future! You're totally astronoming.

chid: No, it's technically called Astralwerking. You clearly haven't been to Electric Daisy Carnival.


hS: Is that the one with the Juggalos? I love Fanta and being a credit risk.

chid: No, you're thinking of Bonaire. And Juggalos drink RC Cola. How come I'm more knowledgeable about youth culture than you, but I don't know about the Dick Poop?


hS: I have multiple restraining orders. I use Waze to avoid school bus stops and Gymborees. Hey, Isaac loves Helen's ridiculous loofa gown. She's so far off her original sketch. This gown's more The Body Shop than cryogenic sleep pod, Helen.

chid: Yeah, I find her gown to be one of the safer looks. Not a fan. Who do you dislike this week?


hS: Jay's sorry ripoff of a Klaus Nomi ripoff. Klaus would never wear that even after speedballing. Ann Magnuson would, though, and she'd film herself taking a shit in it and then that shit would go onto a more prolific career than hers. Poor thing.


Dmitry is very lucky his model is thin and black. This Pyraminx look would not work on a chunky white girl.

chid: Dmitry has made this before. Do these judges even watch the show?

hS: But this one has math all over it, chid. Seahorses with math inspiration even though seahorses can't ice dance or do math.


chid: I bet they refuse to watch flagship Project Runway. I bet Alyssa is like "That show is full of losers. My show only has the best of the best."

hS: I wouldn't put too much value on Alyssa's opinion. The Inspiration For Little Mermaid just leaned back in her reinforced bar stool to show off her goodies. I don't want those goodies unless candy does, in fact, come out. God, I'd kill for one of those wrapped caramels right now.


chid: I think Jay's is the worst too. But this is too confusing. I have no idea who is going home. Who do you like the most?

hS: I like Justin's but the Alien Chest Burster In Chiffon part is off-putting so I'm going with Michelle's. That's right. Compliment of the Week™ goes to Michelle. Her inspiration was a blobby cuttlefish—found on a list of Top Ten of Zero Personality Sea Creatures, and she actually pulled it off. Through all the pinning/re-pinning, second-guessing, the hate, she found a way to make it work. By styling the well-defined Robert Smith lipstick she tied the look together, and it's rather brilliant on her part. It's not a serious piece and should be judged on that apparent fact. Of course, these judges are complete buttholes so no, she's on the bottom again.


Side note here, please no more celebrity judges until Laverne Cox returns. "I really like the exposed shoulder on Michelle's." Shut up, Josie Pussycat. Idiot.

chid: Dmitry makes math rock clothes for the women of the late 1990's. You could definitely go to Shellac or Hella concert wearing that.


hS: He's going for Metric, but it came out Kraftwerk.

chid: I hope my sweet prince, Fabio is safe. I can't believe there is a Lifetime original movie about Whitney Houston premiering this weekend, so soon after Oscar nominations. There must be a mistake in that it is being released after the cut-off date, was made for TV, and looks terrible.


hS: I need a trigger warning, Lifetime. I'm not sure Fabio is in the clear. He made a reacharound dress.


chid: I'm so glad Michelle is safe. You can count on her for one unintentionally funny saying per week. She is good television.

hS: You thinking what I'm thinking you're thinking? PR Spinoff!

chid: Oh no...this doesn't look good.

hS: Noooooooooooooo. Justin's going home. There's suddenly a lot of pollen in this room.


chid: I loved Justin. He was so sweet and good. How is Jay still on this show and we have no more Justin?!?!?!?

hS: The world is ending right before our eyes, chid. Justin, dry those tears and think positively: Kate got THREE shows to make the same mistakes again. You have had two. Do the math. Dmitry can help.


chid: Next week looks like a bloodbath.

hS: Since there's no more Justin to meter out the niceness levels bitches be ripping seams.


chid: My only solace is knowing that the planet moon is shining down on me tonight. Somewhere out there, something about homeless mice and streets full of cheese.

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