chid: Tonight, we’re on a 3 hour tape-delay because I went to a concert. My ears are ringing and I’m tired, but fashion waits for no one.
In this week’s episode, the designers will make things and force thin women to wear those things as they walk in a straight line.
The episode begins at the Agora Gallery. Avant Garde challenge! Wearable art! You know what rhymes with “wearable art,” Suity?
humanSuitcase: Hitler fart? No rhyme or reason to that, but I’m putting it out there because...avant garde.
chid: I was going to say “shareable part,” which is what Sam calls his adorable penis.
Boy George is the guest judge! I like that guy, I guess. It’s a fucked up day today. One of the bands played a Prince song tonight. All the tweens cried.
hS: The tweens knew who Prince was? I’m shocked. Thought today’s tweens only knew Miley and Dora Explorer.
chid: THESE ARE HIP TWEENS I HANG OUT WITH! I found the other olds in the bar area, and they all looked equally tired and concerned about investing for retirement. What. A. Thursday.
hS: It’s a shame there’s not any museums in New York that have actual modern art hanging in them for these designers to gain inspiration. Guess Agora’s the best NY, NY has to offer.
chid: Untrue. I went to some rotund building called the momma high on benadryl a few years back, and there was a naked woman with a glorious bush suspended on a wall.
hS: Was it Cindy Sherman? I think it was Cindy Sherman wearing someone else’s glorious bush she bought for cheap. Oh, that’s our Cindy.
chid: There would be no Insane Clown Posse without Cindy Sherman. I know my postmodern art, Suity.
Sam found out that gay marriage was legalized in this episode, which means this was filmed last June. Think of all of the things these people don’t know about yet! They must be so happy. Donald Trump is still a joke to them! Prince is still alive! Left shark has only been a dated reference for 4 months!
hS: If only we could go back to that moment in time we could tell Prince not to catch a cold so our Twitter timelines would be free of tuneless losers warbling partial covers of “Purple Rain”. Then again, we wouldn’t have a reminder of how insanely stupid Wolf “The Ditzer” Blitzer is so let’s bask in our bittersweet moment.
Emily, the world’s most polite clothing designer, chose the crazy tall artist who politely stopped vaping for her PRun moment. “This is really pretty. What’s this called?”
“FUCK SHEILA THE RENT SKIPPER.”
“Wow. So colorful. I like the colors on her face. And, what’s this one called?”
“FUCK SHEILA 2. LIGHT BILL RUNNER UPPER.”
“How much is it?”
“Whatever the Con Ed bill stapled to the wall says.”
chid: Hasn’t Con Ed repaid his debt to society by now? If Leslie Van Houten deserves parole, doesn’t Con Ed? I read a thing about rich, stupid people paying $10K to have some asshole name their impending child. It seems like a waste of money to me, but I bet, all these decades later, Con Ed’s parents regret their miserly ways.
Looks like the paints are coming out. Kini and Ken are having a bitch session about Sam. Emily is showing plenty of midriff. Emily, 1999 called and it wants its hackey joke structure back!!!!
hS: Ken needs to calm his tits: “Did you see what SAM’s doing? PAINTING FABRIC. What an idiot. And his inspiration is an owl. MY GOD it makes no sense at all. I swear!”
chid: His inspiration is the Zack Snyder film, Guardians: The Owls of Ga’hoole.
hS: That’s very avant garde. I listened to Owl City once. Once. It’s not avant garde. Actually, it’s pretty awful. Thanks a lot, Spotify Radio.
chid: The tweens call them “Not the Postal Service, no matter how hard that dumb motherfucker tries.”
Guardians: The Owls of Ga’hoole is a movie about teenage owls getting their periods.
hS: Our ga’holes, our ga’selves.
chid: Owl bodies, owlselves.
hS: HI ZANNA! She’s wearing a well painted dropcloth. Very avant garde, Zanna. She’s not feeling Emily’s playdoh twisted tube dress.
chid: I wish she’d drop more cloth!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHHA SEXUALIZED. Sam made a rainbow dress that Zanna hates the fuck out of.
hS: If you squint, Dom’s is a Ben-Day dotted Lichtenstein. Wrong movement, Dom, that’s Pop art.
chid: If you squint, this show is worthwhile way to spend 11:40-12:20 AM!
hS: If you squint, Ken’s not a complete asshole. Zanna’s zapped Sam on the whole literal rainbow = gay thing. I recognize this is last June and all, Sam, but you’re not coming out to the judges. They already know. Anyway, I wouldn’t wear that to my gay wedding which already happened so I didn’t.
chid: Your gay wedding wasn’t a Remembering Jonbenet Ramsey-themed pageant? You think you know someone!
Ken is getting heated, again. This time because he perceives Sam as being a shitty designer who doesn’t work as hard as anyone else.
hS: It’s the whole Michael Costello drape everything drama all over again minus the crying forever.
chid: He was on Kids in the Hall, right?
hS: He was the gay one, but, let’s be clear, not the cute one.
chid: So not Bruce McCullough or Kevin McDonald, then?
hS: Or the Matthew Modine guy either. Reminds me that I’m overdue on watching Brain Candy again.
chid: Brian Candy? John Candy had a brother?
hS: Brian Candy’s besties with Brian Doyle-Murray. The less-than-talented brothers.
chid: Eddie Murray’s younger, Irisher brother, got it. Couldn’t hit a curveball. Never made it to Cooperstown.
They’re about to hit the runway. One look is trash. One looks like mitochondria. Really gonna be a weak runway.
hS: Shame Baublebar doesn’t have a ball gag for Kini’s otherwise I’d label this look impeccably styled. Right now it’s just Jagged Edge II, The Coming Out. Lookit Boy George not caring what he looks like anymore. For those tweens watching at home, Boy George was doing the big hats long before Pharrell.
chid: Every year, Boy George gets thinner and looks more and more like a Philadelphia townie.
hS: Crossing fingers he throws light-up bracelets and batteries on the runway and/or vomits on a little girl.
chid: Ken did something weird as fuck. It’s like if a venus flytrap was sheer and black and looked even more like a vulva. That’s the good stuff.
hS: He thinks it’s brilliant. Brilliantly just okay, Ken. You made something Grace Jones would put back on the sale rack. Politely.
Dom’s look is … fine? It’s fine. She tried. Winners are tryers here. Anyway, how could you say no to that cute face? Huh? Could ya? No, you could not.
chid: Emily’s would be perfect if she designed it for a child to wear to a science fair.
Dom might be in the top 2, because this week sucked ass. As is often the case on All Stars, the fewer contestants, the lower the overall quality.
hS: Remember they had two days to make mediocre. It takes time to bore people.
chid: I don’t know how the fuck Kini or Sam spent two days on theirs. Dom’s at least looks like it took two days. As does Ken’s.
hS: Oh, Emily, the tangled web you weave in your twist tie backstory. Kinda sad for Kini’s girl since the CIA bagged her for rendering to their prom black site in Newark.
chid: Isaac loves Sam’s, apparently. It’s opinions like this that really illustrate how much of a step down Mizrahi is from Michael Kors (the regal lion). You can’t win Michael over with a cute smile and a story that explains how, like, what you were trying to do, was, to make something that like, didn’t suck. How is Sam fooling these clowns?
hS: Digital taxidermy. Frozen moment in time. Gay marriage. Rainbow. Chiffon cocoon. Like Kors, Boy George is no fool, but like you said, Isaac sure loves this thing. Alyssa nailed it: Kite in a tree. That’s sad but not avant garde. “My inspiration was a little girl crying for her dropped ice cream, melting on the sidewalk. The ragged, trailing hem represents tears and the loss of youth.” See, that’s both.
chid: Ken probably did this challenge the best. Who do you think is winning? Who is going home?
hS: Emily and Sam are gonna be in the bottom. Easy. Ken has to win because Boy George said it looked like something Grace Jones would wear because now she’s a kindly grandmother who wears her grandkids’ janky constructed clothing just to make them happy. I’m pretty sure Ms. Jones still wears well made outfits that require the whole room, Boy George.
chid: Ken just verbally shit all over Sam’s whole life, and Sam was just like, “I’m sad. Okay. Stop being mean to me.”
hS: Ken “wants this bleeep real bad” and wants Sam to “grab his balls and man up” Let’s all rewind to last week’s storming out of the work room, Ken. Was that grabbing your balls and manning up? Oh, who am I kidding.
chid: Not enough ball grabbing on this show, tbh.
hS: Project Runway : Ball Grabbing Stars. Grab a ball. Snag a star.
chid: How old was Boy George when he decided to get a neck tattoo? How old is Boy George, in general?
hS: You’re never too old to get a neck tattoo and work at Hot Topic.
chid: Those furry hats he wears really make him look like someone who talks about ethics in journalism. Oh wow, he’s the same age as Kevin McDonald—54.
hS: Kevin’s looking really good for 54. Dave Foley, however? Yeesh.
chid: He used to look like Will Leitch, and now he looks like a corpse.
Ken won! Can’t believe Emily got eliminated. The thing she made sucked this week, but she did probably more good things than Sam. I don’t know. I can’t remember anything about this show.
hS: I didn’t see this coming. Of course, I didn’t see the whole Prince thing coming either. Doris Roberts? Absolutely, Angie’s mom was crazy old. So glad producers kept Sam’s safe because we really needed this show to hit high cunt by the finale: “I’m not talking to you, Sam.” Wow. Wins a challenge but stays a knob.
But, hey, good concert tonight?
chid: Great concert. I grabbed the balls of the city and really went to town.