A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

chid: Fashion and dance are a great partnership according to Alyssa Milano. This week’s PRun Colon All Stars is all about blustery windbags and flowing fabrics. Suity and I will also be discussing our personal histories as they relate to dance and windbaggery.

humanSuitcase: To borrow a quote from my favorite performance artist, Louie Anderson, writing about fashion is like dancing about architecture. It’s about scale. It’s about proportion. It’s about leaping from the highest board and making the biggest splash.


I love dancing, and I love dance movies. Fun fact, chid: Mr. Suitcase and my first date movie was Dancer In The Dark. Fifteen years later, we married. That’s commitment in the face of true tragedy, chid.

chid: Wow. I didn’t see Dancer In The Dark in theaters, but I did see Dogville, and let me tell you, they should really look at your ticket stub before they sell you a box of Nestle Buncha Crunch. I made one hundred enemies that day.

Speaking of which, Valerie won last week’s challenge, and she’s not here to make friends. She’s here to win. This episode features visual interludes of scantly-clad men spinning women in circles. Talk about physique! I haven’t seen muscles like that since that time Curtis Wenis posted a beach pic on Twitter. Who is that muscular child, I asked at the time.

hS: Who was it?

chid: I still don’t know. I showed my phone to every single person on the subway. One gentleman gave me three $100 bills and his address, but no one answered my question.


hS: I have questions about Sam and his knowledge of gay iconography. He wants to make a fluttery scarf Marlene Dietrich would wear while driving a convertible. No, Sam, no. What you mean is “Make a fluttery scarf like the one that strangled Isadora Duncan as she drove her convertible.” Also acceptable although not entirely true: Princess Grace Kelly, her fluttery scarves, and death by convertible. Lesbian film stars wear non-fluttery pant suits and drive non-convertible Impalas. The more gay you know, Sam.

chid: Mitchell is very unhappy about some blogging Sam did about him. I hope Mitchell never encounters sidespin.kinja.com because I think Mitchell is a whiney bitch!!!!1u1812u198yheuihbwdiuhwefpoihfepi ueghiuhkewhoghspio zjfpguwoirjonaegru opiugry hgqeiroh oipawrh gqwniae fhowegh BURRN YA BRUNT MITCHELL


hS: “You made really ssssssslanderoussss commentssss, Ssssssssam.” Leaky tire Mitchell was so upset his Ss blew Emily’s unseamed caftan off the dress form. Needs more binder clips, Emily.

chid: He reminds me of that song from the 1987 Chipmunks musical, The Chipmunk Adventure, you know, the one where the Chipettes have sex with snakes in India? That one. People are really praising the shit out of Lin Manuel Miranda lately, but I’m withholding praise until he successfully adapts The Chipmunk Adventure for the stage!


hS: Stella’s not having it. “Take that pom-pom off your hat and go stand up for yourself.” Goddamn right, Stella.

Also goddamn right is Fäde. He escaped from East Germany as a child, loves freedom, and knows how to manipulate silk. Zanna’s here to explain to these jerks that movement is goddamn everything. How you Brits say “goddamn” is actually everything, Zans.


chid: Valerie was told by Zanna that her look might be more medieval fair than mod-evil FLAIR.

hS: It’s not Project Renfair, chid. These people bathe.

chid: The season is young, Suity.

hS: Zanna wants Sam to add more drama to his look. Serious questioning his gay cred now. No drama in his look and incorrect gay references. Someone keep a shady eye on this one.


chid: Zanna is being very generous to the purple-haired woman whose caftan currently appears to be something Link would acquire after completing a water temple.

hS: Mitchell would agree with that reference if he wasn’t so mad always being owned online. Zanna is concerned Alexander is making Wicked Witch of the Runway. Two episodes in, and I’m already tired of Zanna’s smoky eye concern trolling.


chid: Zanna just told someone she did not want his cape to end up like a “Marvel comic.” Zanna facts: Zanna enjoys Image comics. Do you have any Zanna facts?

hS: Zanna doesn’t believe jet fuel melts steel beams.

chid: Here come the models. Kini is unimpressed with Sam’s dress. Dom thinks that Fäde’s dress should be melted down and sold for heroin money (too much copper). The designers are really pressed for time this week. No wait, that’s every week. That’s every episode of this show. People will always work up until a deadline. No one in history has ever completed a creative project early. Everything is meaningless.


hS: Kini Kierkegaard to the rescue. What is his solution to finding meaning in all this discord and disharmony? Dip dying chiffon. Risky, but bold existential move, Kini. If one drop of red dye touches the front part of this dress, it will be rendered absurd and meaninglessness. I get it, Kini. I get it.

chid: Kini’s dyed dress looks like a delicious bellini. Kini bellini?

Come for the liquor, stay for the racquetball.

hS: Everyone says the best brunch cocktail is a bloody mary or a mimosa. Untrue. It’s the bellini.

chid: Do you know of any liquor stores in northern Washington state where a person could buy like a hundred scratch tickets and a PBR tall boy and the ingredients for a bellini and talk to a guy who looks like Joe Buck’s younger, hipper brother?


hS: You mean the best goddamn liquor store on the west coast? You bet.

chid: Tonight’s guest judge is Vanessa Hudgens. Alyssa has reminded us that this is a blind runway. She’s wearing shorts.


hS: Layana says her dress looks like water flowing in the air. I think what she means by the look of this dress is when airlines jettison their toilet water. Brazilian for “chemtrails”, in other words.

chid: Asha’s dress is matronly vomit. This is an example of something that will skate by while the show has 29 contestants, but in like week 10, Isaac would actually be vomiting.


hS: Where’s she been for the last half hour? Did she just join the cast?

chid: I forgot she was on the show.

hS: She’s the new Samantha.

chid: I like some of the things Valerie does, but that dress looks like a million things I’ve seen before. Alexander’s on the other hand, looks like something you’d see in a dramatic perfume commercial. Same for Sam. That’s a nice look for his model.


hS: Fäde’s is shockingly pretty. Some housewife of DC is already dressing down a Saks’ St. John department employee to find this look. “What do you mean you don’t have this in stock? I need this for brunch and polo with the Kleins and Carneys this weekend, and WHY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS.”

Kini’s bellini is a tequila sunrise knockout.

chid: Fäde is the German guy. Yeah, that was nice. I forgot how many fucking people are on this goddamn show. Jesus this is a long runway show. Kini’s is hot. Good job Kini. Ken’s has a very Curious George man in the yellow hat color to it, which is rough. Does look well made, though.


hS: If the man in the yellow hat was in transition. Which is also very rough going given the way his outfit is cut.

chid: Looks like Daniel gets another week to cut off a finger. Can’t wait.

hS: Who do you think is the top look tonight? I’m gunning for Fäde, but I wouldn’t mind Kini’s. Vanessa Shortpants Hudgens says he’s giving her Birds of Paradise. I’d like to give her the bird for sure.


chid: I liked Fäde fine. It depends on what they’re looking for. It seems like some weeks they want things that could feasibly be sold to and worn by actual humans—in which case, I think Sam’s dress would be sellable, but it’s not complicated.

hS: Georgina and Isaac were “concerned” about Fäde’s. Apparently, I have no idea what I’m talking about anymore. Maybe it didn’t meet the challenge, but unlike Valerie, I stand behind my fashion opinions.


chid: They’re knocking Alexander for his weirdass lace dress part. I feel like Beyonce could pull that off, so, whatever.

hS: Isaac said Alexander’s looked like “Wonder Woman which is bad”. I find that comparison offensive to Wonder Woman, but I would agree that Designer Cindy Lou Who here really missed the mark tonight.


chid: Those weirdass braids are horrible. Seems like they liked Sam’s as much as I did.

hS: Fitzgerald be damned, but there’s something “Great Gatsby” about Sam’s look. Confused Sam quickly googles “Gads”, but it autofills “Josh Gad”. Is more confused, but he nods anyway. “Yaaaaaaassss! Let it go let it go LET IT GO!”


chid: Georgia was referencing the sequel to Moulin Rouge starring Leonardo DiCapprio, so...

hS: Isaac is so happy that Valerie didn’t let the challenge get to her. What in the hell does that mean, Isaac. I need to remember this is a man who once said the moon was a planet. Planet moon, darling.


chid: I like when Isaac’s praise of a designer sounds like nothing at all. About Alexander “he thinks, he thinks.” That was his praise. About Sam “that guy knows how to breathe and moisten his eyeballs.”

hS: About Emily “her hair really matched her caftan”. Good chat, Isaac.

Hey, how did we get this far into this Lifetime TV for Women show without a stumbling over a dumb commercial: “Fingerhut Network”?


chid: I don’t know what a Fingerhut is, but it sounds like something seventh graders do to one another beneath bleachers.

hS: Oh no, Kini is not the winner, but Vanessa Hudgens has the honor of announcing the real All Star: It’s Sam who falls to his knees faster than Saturday night at the Manhole.

“Yaaaaasss, Fuck Yeah Bear Armpit Tumblr’s so hot right now!”

chid: Saturday night at the Manhole or any night at the dick dock. Only four months until PTown! Sam did a nice job. The tough part here is that Fäde or that other lady with the hair is going home.


hS: We’re all counting down to PTown, chid. Four months until rotund, hairy men decked out in assless chaps and sturdy knee pads stride down Commercial Street with a purpose.

Wow. Fäde is the loser. Back to the Stasi, Fäde. So much for freedom. What’s worse here is now my fashion authority opinions don’t mean anything because I really thought it was a solid look. What do I know, chid? Let’s face it. I’m a fraud. It’s over.


chid: There are so many fucking contestants right now, it’s hard to even have opinions. It’d be like if the NBA had 11,000 teams and some of them didn’t actually play basketball, per say, but they did wear shorts and walk on hard wood in groups of 5ish people.


#YeezySeason3. It’s all over but the Crying Jordan meme.

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