A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

Project Runway : All Stars Season V, Episode 7 Recap

hS: Hey chid, welcome back to another week of blogging PRALLSTARS on this remote outpost of Gawker Media. I didn’t catch all the courtroom drama, but I’m reasonably certain the man who made both wrestling and sex on a four poster bed famous didn’t bring up bad fashion show blogging during litigation. Shame, because I, too, have terrible opinions on what is and is not newsworthy.

chid: This week’s episode is titled, “Bait & Stitch,” so you just know that someone is going to be caught ‘baetin while sewing. Can’t wait.


hS: Mitchell’s lost his head so it won’t be him. Bye, Mitchell. Sorry about it.

chid: Be careful, Suity. You know he reads blogs with no readership and gets heated about it.

hS: I’m genuinely frightened he may make me clothing or worse, send me his lookbook.

chid: This week, the designers go straight to Mood. Alyssa’s head looks like a bottle of Powerade. She’s making Ken pass out colored envelopes that contain the style of fabric the designers must use this week.

Barbara Mandrell, true American, for Visa, America’s American Freedom Fabric. America.

hS: Fabric is a real talking point this week. The fabric of our lives. Visa, the freedom fabric. Barbara Mandrell is a real American.


Alexander just opened his envelope: “Upholstery”. He is not a real American.

chid: They are designing high-end, evening resort wear. I am between high-end, evening resorts right now. Where’s the highest end evening resort you’ve ever spent a night? Oh wow, Stitch. What a dog.


hS: I’ve spent an hour at one of Motel 6’s new line of resorts.

chid: Back at the workroom, Alyssa is requiring the designers to switch their fabric selections with another designer. This is the worst yankee swap I’ve ever seen. No one is crying and there weren’t any bottles of Svedka OR lottery tickets. Fucking amateurs.


hS: Stop the show. I want to get off. This challenge is complete bullshit. I understand the concept of The Real All Star adapting to randomly rolled and cut fabric and making something memorable. I get it. What’s missing is that this doesn’t happen in the real world so why bother with it? Did a show producer imagine Saint Laurent, the grandest of grand couturiers, smoothly reacting to a model spilling an espresso on one of his tuxedo jackets before a show with “Loulou, get off the couch! Off off off! Betty, hand me my shears and empty your purse! From her ass crease and the lipstick that stained, I shall create—the Mondrian.” No, absolutely none of that happened because he was blind from tranquilizers and Coke Classic so this challenge is horseshit.

chid: Mitchell hates Kini’s pregnancy test colored-fabric. Is it a boy or a girl, Mitchell? It’s neither. Everyone is a big idiot and none of this matters.


hS: Aunt Dom is piecing obnoxious blue and yellow fabric together for a nice resort wear top for Mitchell’s child—a Big Top at a Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey circus top, that is.

chid: Emily’s spotted sheer fabric looks like the Hyatt Place logo.

hS: I’ve stayed at a Hyatt Place before. It’s not a resort.

Hyatt Nice Place.

chid: But they have those TVs that like, you can MOVE AROUND, you know? And the ice bucket is made of steel.

hS: The front desk clerks double as bartenders and at some, the room service. There’s a reason they shouldn’t. Looking at you Hyatt Place in Princeton, NJ. Martinis aren’t made with five random alcohols in the well you pointed to, asking “this is gin?” and then pouring newly discovered warm gin from the snacks cabinet directly into a rocks glass.


chid: Zanna is wearing the most expensive grandma flannel pajamas I’ve ever seen.

hS: How did we get to the Zanna scene this fast tonight? Did I have a blackout? Dom’s American Horror Story: Big Top Crotch is making my head spin.


chid: I suspect that means big interpersonal drama coming at the 35-minute mark. I should be producing television, Suity. Not recapping it for an audience of Same Sad Echo and Girl Wonder only.

hS: What’s the over/under on Ken elbow striking Sam’s nose by the first Xeljanz commercial?


chid: +600. Zanna’s advice during this portion of the show is mostly useless. I can’t recall a time she’s ever told anyone something they don’t already know. And yet, I’m so charmed by her.

hS: I’d have her baby, I love her so much. You and the one reader we have know I’ve written her this many times, but she has yet to respond to email, twitter, Facebook, phone, fax, or the signs I routinely post on my panel van parked across from her home. I’m very sad and very disappointed, Zanna.


chid: Watching Emily’s model try on those shorts made me almost cry.

hS: Watching Emily cry makes me want to cry. My wanting to cry makes me want to cry. I don’t like this emotion, chid. I prefer my heart staying in my local grocer’s frozen freezer section. Emily took it to self-checkout and it rang up marked down.


chid: You know who else hated emotion?

hS: Who? Is it Kini? He’s glowering at Sam. I so rarely get to use that word, glower


chid: No, Hitler. It was Hitler I was talking about.

hS: Oh, Hitler. Kini. Hitler. They are both very short.

chid: If you’re referring to the lacy blue vomit dress Kini created this week, I can’t argue with the comparison. You know who else is very short?

Little Hitler Tea Pot, Short & Sad


chid: No, I was talking about Curtis Wenis.

hS: DAMMIT. Well, I’m closer this time.

chid: You know who else was damned for all eternity?

hS: Both of us for recapping Project Runway: Bait & Stitch.

chid: You hit that one on the face nose.

hS: Hooray, the modern blog format is saved!

chid: Valerie’s look looks good, because of the mostly exposed model titties beneath it, I guess? What even is this shit?


hS: Hey, hey, hey, so you know who likes mostly exposed model-like titties and nannies for his kids?

chid: Donald Trump? I thought we weren’t supposed to get political on this blogosphere.


hS: Melanin can pull off some year round resort wear, I have to say.

chid: She’ll make a lovely first lady, and then also a lovely president in 2036 when she ushers Michelle Obama out of the White House for the last fucking time. I missed my 35-minute mark drama prediction by 10 minutes, probably.


hS: Did you know there was a show about my people on Lifetime? They’re all Little, too. They wear cowboy hats and throw drinks at each other.

chid: I put commercials on mute, and that was v. disturbing to watch in silence.


hS: What is Alyssa wearing on the runway tonight? Who’s Megan Hilty?

chid: MEGA HILTON. The BUSTIEST Hilton daughter. Remember her? She was the star of the show, Smush on NBC.


hS: I just don’t watch enough tv, I guess. I should know these things. Turn off the NPR, Suity.

chid: Valerie’s fits nicely. Good buttwear on that creamsicle.

hS: I’m suspicious of Dom’s Caribbean island flag skirt. I feel I should avoid this completely or be slaughtered by lawn mower blades. Ya mon.


chid: Layana’s looks like it’s made of those foil balloons you buy at a hospital gift shop….but like, RED.

hS: Asha’s looks like a chalkboard I once ran my fingernails across.

chid: Emily’s looks confused. If she actually spent more time on that skirt, it probably would have been half decent.


hS: I say she shoulda covered up each nip with the Hyatt logo and called it a day. I do appreciate that she overcame upholstery sadness to make something...palatable? Palatable.

chid: Kini’s is like a shit kimono from Kohl’s.

hS: Simply Sweatshop by Vera Wang.

chid: I liked Ken’s. Alyssa described it as a beautiful runway, which is confusing. Maybe these judges have just been conditioned to expect horrible, horrible clothing. I guess it wasn’t the worst we’ve seen, but there were still some low lows. I can’t fucking believe Kini was safe. That was tacky AF.


hS: Isaac made it a point to let the safe designers that “it was all really good this week. I just have to let you know that.”

Ken’s up first with his neoprene that he is afraid of using. He’s afraid of hemming that open sleeve. No woman wants that exposed rubber dragging over her pit. There’s still some neoprene in my closet from my gear days. It’s not a kind fabric.


Mega Hilty loves it. I get the impression she loves everything.

chid: I liked Ken’s a lot. It was a good, sporty fabric that he made something nice out of. Mega Hilton did not care for Valerie’s jumper.


hS: I guess some things are just too horrible for Mega Hilton. She likes Sam’s, though, but Alyssa hated. I’m hating this episode more than I hate most hateful things. You know what I hate the most?

chid: World peace?

hS: Zucchini. It’s the worst. Jordan Sargento should review zucchini since he’s not eaten a lot of things and likes to try them on video only to hate them.

chid: Jordan Sargento is a great big turdboy.

hS: He should have to eat Jordan almonds just so he eats himself.

“I’ve had an almond before in college. I’m pretty sure I have. I can’t say I’ve had my own almonds, but I’ve eaten my own poop directly from the toilet so I imagine they’re about the same thing.” Verdict: Almonds, Not Quite Poop From The Toilet But Not Good.


chid: If almonds take so much water to grow, how come they make my mouth so dry? HOW COME THEY MAKE MY MOUTH SO DRY.

They just told Sam his dress looks homemade in not a good way. Solid. Solid dig, bros.


hS: He made it in the workroom not at home. I don’t understand judging on this show. I’m just going to mishear dialogue: “Designers, one of you will be in, and one of you will have to sniff my tits.”

chid: Tit sniffer sounds like a great seventh grade insult that children never invented. Kids are such stupid assfaces.


hS: This is why Mr. Suitcase and I are having a boat and not a kid. Know who doesn’t want to see Yogi Bear The Movie? That’s right. The boat.

chid: Dom won! What a stunning victory for beach towels, big tops, and the hotel casino Circus Circus!


hS: Dom’s Big Top Crotch won? Well, I guess Mega needs something to wear to her Knights Inn porn shoot.

Knights Not Inn

chid: Are we sure Layana and Valerie aren’t the same person? This is the first time I’ve ever seen them side by side. I think I’ve conflated them these last 17 weeks. This is the 18th episode, right?

hS: Valerie got sent home without sniffing Alyssa’s tits. I was really hoping that would happen. For some reason. I dunno. This was just an awful, forgettable episode.


chid: Valerie got eliminated for making something that looked like real people sex clothes. Worse crimes have been committed this season.

hS: I can’t think of any of any worse crimes, but I’ve been fairly lightheaded throughout tonight. I’m having trouble remembering things. Either I left the gas on, or I’m coming down with something.


chid: You know who else was coming down with something?

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