chid: This week, the designers head to Coney Island to recreate scenes from The Warriors. There will be gang fights and mesh fabric and baseball and all sorts of bad ideas.
humanSuitcase: Desi-i-igners...come out to plaaa-i-ay.
chid: So it looks like this is an athleisurewear challenge. That’s a stupid, made-up word.
hS: Blame Lululemon’s marketing firm. Since you used their word in a sentence, that’ll be $8,000 in usage fees.
chid: Never. They made see through yoga pants stylish for the modern American woman.
hS: They also made camel toe a household word. I’m not saying I mind when I hear grandmothers say it out loud, but I’d prefer their false teeth shooting out in the middle of yelling at young ladies publicly flashing their toe.
chid: I won’t conform to this double standard, Suity. Skinny jeans brought back the dick shadow, and I didn’t hear you complaining then!!
Laynna’s sketch is mummy pants. Can’t wait. Emily’s eye makeup is Walking Dead-chic. I guess they filmed this before Halloween or whatever. Would it surprise you at all if we discovered that this entire show was filmed during the Summer of 2014?
hS: Is “Touch” a fabric or a douche? This is the Toucha-Toucha-Toucha Me collection by Alyssa “Rocky” Milano.
chid: Kini and Sam both picked mesh. Tonight’s episode is brought to you by ASHS - the American Society of Hernia Surgeons.
hS: Underwritten by ACE bandage. Sam has an exclusive with IcyHot.
chid: Lots of dodger blue fabric tonight. I can’t blame these designers for that. I also think of Yasiel Puig when I hear the word “athleisure.”
hS: I’m thinking Pablo Sandoval in stretch pants. Should I be embarrassed to admit this isn’t the first time I’ve thought that? Who am I kidding? I have no shame whatsoever.
chid: A commercial break. What’s going on in your life this week, Suity?
hS: Thanks for asking. It’s been a really good week for hipsterism. Annie Clark doesn’t know what Clickhole is—how embarrassing! Black Francis celebrated another big birthday without Kim Deal. Rediscovered LCD Soundsystem so my Pandora channel is poised and ready to unsettle everyone within earshot.
chid: I’ve been digging Teen Suicide’s lo-fi, 26-track heroin opus, It’s the Big Joyous Celebration, Let’s Stir the Honeypot, and reading shitty news stories about dumb idiots.
hS: There’s a lot of shitty news and a lot of shitty idiots. And, speaking of shitty idiots, Kini and Sam both picked the same fabric. How could Mood let this happen? Don’t they have security guards to prevent this? I expect better from Swatch.
chid: Swatch is a real pup of distinction, but he doesn’t bite enough fingers off, if I’m being honest. Shop dogs should make humans fear for their limbs. Otherwise, what’s the point?
hS: You’re saying that about this show, right? That’s the subtext I’m getting. Also getting the subtext of Dom’s “one note” comment on all the blue fabric. One note of sad trombone’s four, Dom.
chid: Dom’s dress is high fashion in the front, BASEketball in the back.
hS: League of her own, that one.
chid: Emily’s Athleisure look featured a turtle neck, because, who doesn’t want a big, spongy, lump of fabric under their neck to sweat into?
hS: It’s a built-in yoga towel you use while down dogging to wipe your uttanasana. Emily, you should patent that look before Lululemon steals it—oh, too late. Zanna also hates lunch, the ladies who do it, and saying the word “baseball”. Brits have zero clue as to what that is. It’s evident in her voice. It’s apple pie and America, you limey!
chid: Neither do American children. They’re like, “is that the one where you bring a laptop to the stadium and do spreadsheets?”
hS: Thank god for Bryce. He’ll save our children and make baseball fun again.
Whoa. Ken is so fuckstrated he stormed out that cheap glass door to the street. Now, didn’t he know that this is the episode where Kini finally throws down the bone-crushing coup de grace on Sam? Way to step on the established tension, Ken. Producers have only been working on this moment for weeks, asshole.
chid: Ken is so fucking heated. I’m just happy that something is happening in this episode.
hS: Me, too. Between Gawker trying to find it’s way after 500 Days of Kristin and shitty news, I need this.
chid: The morning after Ken’s walk out, he’s still not there. He barges into the work room and says he’s got a lot of work to do in the next two hours.
hS: Must’ve gotten fucked last night and “got his vision”. I’d have visions, too, having dumped a gallon of cum in Chelsea and gotten higher than One World Trade Center.
chid: Hey man, don’t talk about the presumptive President’s only daughter that way. NOT COOL.
hS: I’m voting for Cthulhu 2016 so what do I care. The only right direction for this country is through the bowels of an elder god.
chid: Seems like a lot of designers are way behind on their shit. Nothing looks particularly good this week at this point, except for the radass mustache on the stylist in the Schwatrrrtzzzkopppokffff lounge.
hS: Sam wanted all sorts of indescribable things. Comforting that Gay Radasstache speaks his language. All I can hear from his moire look is he wants to sell on the runway and not in stores.
chid: Sam’s look is really hard to see on an LCD television. It’s all distorted looking. But nobody is exercising in that dress. If you can’t do yoga OR spin OR run in something, it’s not athletic.
hS: But she just got off the Wimbledon after beating Chrissy Evert Lloyd and Martika! Have you been to Wimbledon, Sam? It’s all white. Yours is not.
chid: That shit looks way too heavy to wear on a tennis court. Again, people sweat when they exert themselves. I shouldn’t have to tell these gorgeous, well-sculpted designers this shit. JK, only Ken seems like he actually works out regularly in this crew. The rest of them just eat seeds and drink cayenne pepper water 7 days a week.
hS: Pop a niacin, ladies. That’s a tip from former pill-popper and bestest friend, Suity.
chid: What can niacin do for me? Will it increase my risk of bleeding?
hS: Imagine Dragons increases your risk of bleeding out. Niacin makes you get hot and irritated. Doing both makes your head implode.
chid: Alyssa turned the eye makeup up to 17 this week. Jesus christ. OH WOW, 500 DAYS OF KRISTEN RETURNS TO THE GAWKER MEDIA AFFILIATE WEBSITES.
hS: Even Emily, eyeshadow airbrush queen, side-eyed her. OMG OMG OMG THERE’S KRISTEN RIGHT THERE. GRAB HER ALLIE OR RICH OR NICK AND SAVE YOUR WEBSITE.
chid: Emily’s is horrifying as something a person my so anything active in. Same for Kini’s. Is Kini’s model going oystering?
hS: Kini made Juniors Going Geoducking.
chid: Ken’s isn’t anything special but it, at least, looks like actual athleisure clothes, which is impressive since he threw away who knows how many hours.
hS: Full court press on Dom’s back field with those pinstripes.
chid: Dom’s seems more high fashion. I like the design of it, but not for this challenge, at all. No one can exercise in that or wear it to a sporting event without being ostricized. But you know, the challenges sometimes matter deeply to the judges and sometimes not at all.
Asha did something that seemed in keeping with the challenge. I don’t know. Emily was safe, so that tells us exactly nothing about the criteria they’ll be using the judge this week.
hS: I’m just glad we didn’t waste time with the runway when we could get to more commercials.
chid: As I recall, on real PR, the last 20 minutes only has one commercial break and it’s right before they announce the winner and loser. They seem to frontload commercials on that show. Again, it’s been 4 years since I’ve watched the flagship, so...
hS: How else would you know about Macy’s One Day Sale with Preview Day, Day of Event, Extended Day, and then “Special Cardholder Day”?
chid: Those are part of the 12 days of Macy’s sale, which occurs 12 days per month each month.
hS: Don’t miss out!
chid: I like Ken’s a lot. That seems like something a person could wear. I agree it doesn’t look expensive or anything. But it fits the criteria.
hS: He went to a Bulls’ game. Once. He’s not really into sports. Kristin verified that statement. Isaac thinks it’s cheap, too: “She wouldn’t pay a lot.” Awfully shady coming from the late night QVC designer queen.
chid: You’d get it at Kohl’s for $17.88 and you’d get to hear children screaming in the background.
hS: They loved Dom’s. Stripes worked, Dom. Key to the Yankees winning, too, Dom. Nobody can keep their eyes off the pinstripes.
chid: She’s gonna win. Kini’s jacket looks like it has very poorly tailored sleeves. Same deal with the jeans. Rolling up the cuffs on pants is such a fucking cop out. I think that’s a garbage move.
hS: Georgina thinks that’s just great. She married a very fat man so she knows a thing about pleats and cuffs. Isaac appreciates Kini’s “versatility”. Oh myyyy.
chid: Layanna’s looks don’t match at all, which she’s getting dinged on. I also think the pattern on those leggings is doing a magic eye dong thing to her model, which is maybe not ideal…?
hS: Vortex crotch. Vornado Fans is on the line to represent this crotch, Layana.
Isaac just said Asha’s is “ergonomic”. What does that even mean? How can a skirt be ergonomic, Isaac? It keeps a lady’s back straight? Keeps her from farting in her Aeron chair during her annual performance review? Asha’s is nice, Isaac. No need to get all OSHA requirements on her.
chid: LOL at these judges talking about going to “a game.”
hS: What is this “game” they’re referring? Georgina showing up drunk to badminton casually glancing and scoffing at a racket on her way to her fifth martini? Oh, Sam said they were talking about going to a baseball game. Yeah, no one on that judging panel is ever doing that in the first place.
chid: I think Dom won. Not sure who lost.
hS: I hope Dom won. Please make it happen, Kristin.
chid: This is tough. There wasn’t much that I hated. No one did anything offensively bad at all. Asha’s had things that were not great. Ken’s, same deal. But I don’t think either of them deserves to go home.
hS: There was plenty of branding potential for Kini’s. Chief Wahoo would look FANTASTIC on the twat, says Isaac’s marketing firm.
chid: I think Layanna’s was the worst. It just didn’t seem cohesive at all.
hS: Dis-parrot. Isaac’s word of the day. While discussing Sam’s, Georgina says Fuck you, America, she’s wearing Sam’s look to Crufts.
chid: Who do you think is going home?
chid: Who won this shit?
hS: Alyssa’s douche marketing firm. Heavy flows of cash money right into their bank accounts.
chid: Should we audition for Project Runway Season 15? I haven’t used a sewing machine since home ec and I can’t draw anything.
hS: I can draw AND sew on a shirt button using only half a spool of thread. Teach that button to never ever pop off again.
chid: If we can go as a joint team, we’d be so good.
hS: Project Runway: Best Friends Forever.
chid: I’d just tell everyone that everyone else was talking shit about them.
hS: That someone would be me.
chid: Kini’s highwaters won. As predicted, Layanna is going home.
hS: Oh, such high drama on this episode. I need to lie down. Where is my fainting couch?
chid: There are four episodes left, I think. Also, I’ll be on vacation for the finale, so, GREAT timing.
hS: The best timing you lucky dog not named Swatch. Will you be here for next week’s episode of Ken’s 500 Swears?
chid: Wouldn’t miss it because of the $40 I get paid per word on these recaps.
chid: You didn’t join the Gawker union, Suity?