I’m not going to spend a lot of time rehashing the same old criticisms of the Grammy’s. They tend to give awards to people past their prime. Even the Grammy voters admit that the process is flawed and sucks. Just by saying the Grammy’s suck I’m agreeing with countless critics and many artists themselves, most of who also suck. I hate to use such a lukewarm take as “The Grammys suck” to shit in NSS’s churros, but he’s about as wrong as a human being can be without somehow being elected President.
The Grammy’s will not be good. At best they will make you sigh in relief: “wow, they didn’t give Record of the Year to one of the worst songs since 1990!” At worst, they will be an affront to all that is decent in the world.
Much has been made of the Recording Academy trying to improve their award selections. They have made efforts to not slavishly depend on sales numbers or give heavy metal awards to flautists. Hell, just look at the nominees for Best Rap album. There are some good albums in there! DJ Khaled is nominated! For Major Key! Instead of Kendrick Lamar or Young Thug!
Ok, there is no way they don’t give the Grammy to Kanye or Chance or maybe the actually good album by old ass De La Soul, right? Well let’s go look at recent winners. Lotsa Eminem and Richard Spen… I mean Macklemore (sorry, sorry trying to delete it). Goddamn they should rename this the “music for my large adult son named Trevin who’s watching the broadcast on a bed made of delinquent student loan notifications in the basement” award. Is this sponsored by Mountain Dew Code Red and Arby’s? Is it possible they just give DJ Khaled the award for liking Soymilk? Am I saying this is going to happen for sure? NO. Could it though? Probably! Aren’t you a little nervous, NSS? I am!
Let’s look at Album of the Year, where Kanye and Chance are competing for… uh not Album of the Year. Beyonce is on there right? Ok, phew. Well Radiohead is… uh not there either. Well Frank Oc… no sorry. Ok well Beyonce is in there – with Adele, Drake, the Biebs, and something called Sturgill Simpson. Only the Grammys shows they’re in touch with the yout by having a nominee that no one knows for sure if it’s a person or band. NSS, do you really think Beyonce has a shot against a nominee like that in a category that was won by fucking Robert Plant in 2007?
Oh, we should watch for the performances, then? Tributes to Prince, George Michael, Leonard Cohen etc.? Yeah The Grammy’s are known for great performances, those enduring moments we all know and love… like the time Eminem performed with Elton John… uh actually that kind of sucked. Bob Dylan with the “Soy Bomb” guy! That was a thing that happened! Grammy performances bring down the fuckin house man! Are you really suggesting it’s worth 3 hours of torture to watch anthropomorphic jar of mayonnaise Bruno Mars steal Prince’s valor? Gee I can’t wait to see Ed Sheeran fart out a surprise overwrought “Hallelujah” before Katy Perry sings her Hillary Rodham Clinton song “Rise!” Wouldn’t it be funny if Lady Gaga played with some old ass grandpas no one cared about anymore? And NOT Dave Grohl? Well guess what!
Will there be politics? You bet your ass! I bet someone will say Trump is bad! I bet you people will say it a lot! It will be daring for a bunch of celebrities to do that![i] “Slay Queen” I will yell at my TV! Will someone say Hillary Clinton is good? Peter Daou will be watching to make sure it happens! Mother likes her tributes! Will Hillary be there? Will it be near a wooded area in New York? If there is anything that I have learned in recent years, it’s that people value the opinions of celebrities. When James Corden OBLITERATES Trump in his opening monologue, it’s going to matter man. People are going to share that shit on Facebook and it’s going to be so awesome that our fat dumb idiot president will be reelected in 2020.
I have Grammy fever baby. Oh shit, that’s actually a real fever and I can’t afford to go to the doctor and Betsy DeVos made it illegal for teachers to use science anyway. NSS and I will be liveblogging the Grammy’s anyway. Before every award, I am going to say “Bernie would have won.” Just kidding. Welp see ya.
Join your old chums the #WorstSongBracket boys, @nss_ds and @rhythmmethod on their loosely organized 1st Annual 59th Annual The Grammy Awards coverage, culminating with a live blog on Sunday! Stay tuned to Gawrker (sidespin.kinja.com) for all the details, and be sure to follow @worstsongbracke for all the latest updates
[i] Imagine if someone had like the audience of say the Super Bowl. Man you could really say something important there! Or pretend to jump off a roof. That would be pretty neat too. Either are just as good.
(Also I don’t really care much about Gaga “speaking out” but man I would have loved to see the taeks. The taeks, they suffered).