If last Sunday’s Selection Show to determine the 68 competitors in the NCAA Tournament was any indication, the RPI (Ratings Percentage Index) is a useful metric for determining the strength of a team’s schedule and thus, their value as a top-flight program.

For the most part, the tournament gives us an opportunity to look back at our days in college, reminiscing about supporting the school basketball team, fraternizing with young coeds and having ambitious and unrealistic goals. What if there was something else to be taken from all of this? What if the NCAA stopped with this lack of transparency and shared with us what I have just now discovered; that the RPI is applicable to all of our lives.


Before we start, I'd suggest grabbing a piece of paper and a pen, perhaps in hopes that we can compare our respective scores in the comments section below.

The following exercise is broken down into three sections; a) family, b) career and c) life.

Each completed response is to be of a number from 0 to 10, where 0 is the lowest and 10 the highest and 0 means zero. [i.e. How attracted are you to Zooey Deschanel? In this instance, in the absence of an 'N/A' option, I'd select '0'. On the other hand, if Ms. Deschanel gives you a turgid chubby with even a passing mention, your response would be a '10'. The scores (0-10) are not only a representation, but also an accurate measure, as in how many kids do you have (0-10). Some questions will require you to determine a number that will accurately represent the answer, more so than an exact number to describe the result.]

Understanding that the aforementioned metric might not be the most mathematically sound form of reasoning, I don't give a flying fuck, who am I? Universal Enveloping Algebra.


Let's begin, shall we?



1) How many children do you have? [ ]

2) How many children live with you on a permanent basis? [ ]

3) How many of your children do you wish ended up in a condom/stuffed animal? [ ]


4) How many times have you been married? [ ]

5) Rate your wife/partner/significant other, strictly on a universal rating system based on attractiveness and willingness to occasionally provide oral. [ ]



1) Does your occupation have an impact, whether positive or negative, on others? [ ]


2) How many days of the week are you required to wear a tie and/or stethoscope at work? [ ]

3) How many years of post-secondary education did your career require? [ ]

4) How prominent is your name on the company masthead/signage/directory? [ ]

5) On what line of your obituary will your career be mentioned, where '1' would be the first line? [ ]




1) During an average week, how many alcoholic beverages do you consume? [ ]

2) During an average week, how often are you able to do something you enjoy away from the constant nagging and infantile issues of the family? [ ]


3) How many hours a day do you spend commenting/perusing sports blogs? [ ]

4) How many inches has your pants size increased in the last 5 years? [ ]

5) How many times a week do you use your primary reproductive organ for the purpose of pure joy and relief (must be in the presence of another warm blooded life form)? [ ]



The RPI: A PRACTICAL APPLICATION SURVEY is complete. Tabulate the numbers you have jotted down, producing a number that is indicative of your 'real-life' RPI.

This exercise would be completely pointless without a database of other people's scores from which we can compare and come to a consensus on what different scores mean, so feel free to leave your totals with a witty reply below. Understanding that this method of determining a 'real-life RPI' is completely non-sensical and arbitrary, here's hoping it is as little fun to fill-out as it was for me to write.