By this point, you've seen the video. You've read the stories. You've avoided her song like the plague. You've also looked up the name of that guy who sings Blurred Lines. You've laughed at the name of the guy who sings Blurred Lines.
But what you probably haven't done is examine just how we reached this point. How we went from friendly Miley Cyrus to terrifyingly batshit Miley Cyrus. It's a journey that we'll take together, and we'll see how a close examination of Cyrus' early work gives some signs as to what she has become.
Call it a twerking hypothesis, for now.
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As the lead single off Cyrus' ground-breaking tour-de-force album Hannah Montana 2: Meet Miley Cyrus, the club thumper See You Again captured the hearts and minds of America, rising to number 10 on the charts in the US, and number 2 in Venezuela.
But who was this Miley writing this hit? What was her motivation — what does she want to prove? Lets explore.
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I got my sights set on you and I'm ready to aim
I have a heart that will never be tamed
From the very beginning, we see the pit of Miley's confusion. She's obviously too dependent on attaching labels to things. Does she really need to set her sights and then aim? Seems unnecessary. All that clutter probably adds stress.
I knew you were somethin' special when you spoke my name
Now I can't wait to see you again
I'm not one to judge here. Maybe it was Gilbert Gottfried or James Earl Jones saying "Hey, Miley." But in any case, name-dropping never did anyone good, except for my good friend Ryan Gosling, whom I know very well and we are great friends.
I've got a way of knowin' when somethin' is right
I feel like I must have known you in another life
'Cause I felt this deep connection when you looked in my eyes
Now I can't wait to see you again
Lets tackle this block all at once. Sure, Miley may know when something is right, but is that really so helpful? "Hey guys, this is really amazing hanging out at this beach with all these models catering to our every whim! I RECOGNIZE THAT!"
It would seem a little more useful if she put down this Buddhist bullshit she's reading just to appeal to her significant other who took one goddamn class on Eastern religion in college and now thinks SHE'S the reincarnation of the fucking Buddha. Sorry, that was Miley's problem, definitely just hers.
Now lets get to the chorus.
The last time I freaked out, I just kept lookin' down
I st-st-stuttered when you asked me what I'm thinkin' 'bout
Felt like I couldn't breathe, you asked what's wrong with me
My best friend Lesley said, "Oh she's just being Miley"
Some great stuff in here. The first thing that pops out to me is that she uses the phrase "the last time," implying this activity may have happened in the past. This is confirmed by Lesley's friendly (?) statement about Miley's character. So, by the age of 17 or so, Miley had a reputation for staring at the floor, struggling with her consonants, and generally being asthmatic. Not a good start for a budding young lady.
But lets examine Lesley for a moment. What kind of friend takes you to a party, only to laugh and make a snarky comment when you're in obvious discomfort? Hey Lesley, Miley deserves better friends than you!
If Miley had collapsed to the floor, I bet Lesley would have said "Ha, that betch! She's just like a fish flopping down there! Like the seventeen I have in my house aquarium! Do you want to go back to my place?" What a bitch.
The next time we hang out, I will redeem myself
My heart it can't rest 'til then
Ooh whoa whoa I, I can't wait to see you again
See what you did, Lesley!?! You peer-pressured Miley into going to more parties, even if she's suffering from a heart arrhythmia. But Miley's so convinced she needs to attend more parties, she'll stop at nothing.
The rest of the song continues in this same manner, so we don't have to go into more detail. I think it's clear we've found our answer.
Miley suffers from heart arrhythmia, which impacts all her decisions. Case open and case shut.
Now if you disagree with my conclusion, offer your opinions below. But make sure to show your twerk.