A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

I am hosting a Super Bowl party on Sunday, principally because I learned absolutely nothing from last year's party. It suits a host to be up on the burning questions of the day.

1. Which Team Do I Root For?

After a lot of consideration, it turns out that I don't care, provided the game is decided in overtime on an obvious bad call. If the Patriots win because of a bad call then 75% of the pundits and 99% of sports callers/commenters will have a stroke on the spot, thus improving the airwaves and the Internet out of all knowledge. If the Seahawks win in similar circumstances, then I will have sweet, sweet revenge upon an office full of Massholes who have not let a single hour pass without some idiotic statement about air pressure and temperature.


2. What Happens If New England Wins?

Bostonians will erect a statue to Bill Belichick. It will look exactly like one of those Moai on Easter Island.


3. What Happens If Seattle Wins?

No one southeast of Tacoma will remember it past Wednesday.

4. Who is Coming to the Party?

a. Woo Girl. Single thirtysomething, who would have been well-advised to trade in the signed jersey for a Stairmaster and a competent dentist. On game day her vocabulary will consist of the single word "woooooo", shouted at a volume which would shatter plastic whenever something remotely positive happens for whatever team she chose to follow on Saturday.


b. Social Butterfly. Fifty-something, doesn't care at all about football. Spends the entire third quarter boring my ass off about how the drapes match the carpet and isn't that an interesting knick-knack and which ruffle would best suit the china cabinet. Her husband hasn't been out of arm's reach of my liquor cabinet since they arrived.

c. The Twelfth Man. 5'8", 300 pounds, looks like he was poured into his jersey and forgot to say "when". Explains the principles of football out loud for the entire game to absolutely no one, which is just fine as his knowledge is limited to the sum total of the hot takes he has absorbed from sports talk radio over the last two weeks.

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