I’m sorry to announce that Ryan Lochte is dead.
It’s only human to doubt. To doubt the existence of God. Of a higher power. Of a Creator. It’s normal, I think, to ask ‘why?’ ‘Why me?’ ‘Why him/her?’ I don’t think either are necessarily an innate human trait, but more something installed into every fiber of your being as the weight of a millennial existence — of…
It’s Sunday. That’s the day of Jesus. Jesus has a lot of followers, some are crazed. You know who else has a lot of crazed followers? Ryan Lochte.
So what do Waka Flocka, Martha Stewart and Ryan Lochte all have in common? Each have signed a Pine Bros. cough drop contract to be their spokesperson. (And maybe prison.)
Oh. Shit. Our boy is in some heat.
Hey, do you know where your girl is? ‘Cause Ryan Lochte does. He just stole your girl.
Ryan Steven Lochte is a 32-year-old man. Ryan Steven Lochte is a 12-time Olympic medalist, six of which are gold. Ryan Steven Lochte is a (technical) college graduate. (He went to the University of Florida.)