My first college job was at a Longs Drugs (since purchased by CVS) that opened in I have no idea what year. I knew a little bit about drugs. My college town is full of hippies, so we got all kinds of weird stuff happening. We also got a lot of people on meth that would take receipts out of the trash, steal the item on the receipt, and then try to return it. Good times.

Anyway, the store opened at 7 am. One morning I go to open up the store, and there's a lady standing out front. She's doing a dance like the kind you would do if you really had to pee. I open the doors of the store and she yells, "WHERE ARE YOUR BREAST PUMPS?"

I somehow manage to not freak out at what's happening and calmly walk her back to the aisle where we keep the breast pumps. She makes things even more awkward by asking which is the best, squeezing her breasts and saying stuff like, "ooh boy, these things are about to burst," all while kinda moaning in pain. Too much of an anatomy lesson for a 19 year-old college idiot to handle. Being the ultimate customer service guy, I didn't laugh once during the interaction.

Then one time Dog the Bounty Hunter came into my store and was a dick to all the employees. And also my boss kneed a bum in the face during a fight after the dude tried to steal some beer.

Retail is the best.


Bonus story where I "said" something horrible. But I didn't say anything at all.

I was in Ensenada, Mexico. Maybe 14 at the time, walking around a small Mexican town with my 14 year-old friend, as 14 year-olds are wont to do.


So there are kids all over trying to sell you Chiclet gum, trying to make a little money. Most of them come up to you yelling, "Chiclet! Chiclet!" and getting all up in your face. Well, this one particularly sad girl of maybe five slowly strolls up to me as I'm walking along and just puts her hand up towards my face. Without any thought at all, and even though I was a huge dick as a teenager, without any attempt at being a dick whatsoever, I high fived her. I was so horrified that I couldn't even stop to buy gum from her. I just had to keep walking while my friend died laughing and told me how big of an asshole I was.

It haunts me to this day, and I can still see her sad eyes growing even sadder at this damn gringo giving her the worst high five she's ever had.