A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
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Tell Your Smart Home to Go Fuck Itself

Illustration for article titled Tell Your Smart Home to Go Fuck Itself

Technology—it’s the present!

Above are the Google Home and Amazon Echo, two products that you can buy for your house so you feel less alone, I guess.


They do many things like play music and order dogfood for you. 

You like music and dogfood!

So how do they work? Well, imagine playing music or buying dogfood on your smartphone, then subtract the intuitive interfaces and easy-to-use apps you currently use to play music and buy dogfood. You just say like “Hey, fuckface, buy me dogfood,” and your device does it!


Here are some questions you may have about SmartHome devices:

1) Will they vape for me?

No. You still have to vape on your own. With your hands. Like a goddamn caveman.


2) Does it do sex to me?

No. But who knows what 2021 will hold!

3) Can it raise my shitty kids?

No. It’s AI has no “discipline” feature. Look for this feature to be added to the SexCho version in 2021.


4) Does it make me live longer?

No. But it does save you precious seconds you might spend buying things instantly on the world wide web. Over a lifetime, those seconds add up to roughly 13 minutes.


5) Can I buy a Fedora with it?


6) Can it make my bathroom smell less like my human shit after I take a grand ol’ dump inside the toilet bowl?



7) Speaking of which, should You’re A Grand Ol’ Flag be the new national anthem of these United States?



In conclusion, You’re A Grand Ol’ Flag is now our national anthem.

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