A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
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The Definitive Ranking of All the Songs in Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3

Ah, Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3. Wasn't that a great game? I remember it fondly, though I hadn't played it for many years before digging it out recently to instruct my younger sister on the joys of losing your memory card and only being able to play on Foundry over and over. It also has a great soundtrack— but isn't it time someone released a definitive ranking of all the songs in this now 13 year old game?

Illustration for article titled The Definitive Ranking of All the Songs in Tony Hawks Pro Skater 3

Well, fear not, because here it is.

1. If You Must, Del tha Funkee Homosapien: This song is the goddamn best. If you disagree with the rest of the list, cool, but if you hate this song you hate fun.


2. Not the Same, Bodyjar: Australia's answer to Blink-182 provides one of the damn catchiest songs on the soundtrack. One of my friends told me that, as a kid, he turned off all the other songs and just had the soundtrack be "Not the Same" on repeat, which I believe. Hell, if you play it on repeat, it just blends into itself over and over, like some sort of extremely repetitive 20 minute prog rock song.

3. Blitzkrieg Bop, Ramones: It's fucking Blitzkrieg Bop. What do you want me to say?


4. Hush, KRS-One: Good hook, good rhymes [take notes, House of Pain]. KRS did it again! They also taught my 11 year old self what makes you a thug.

5. What's the Matter Man, Rollins Band: Rollins is actually namechecked in the much worse "I'm a Swing It," but there's no replacement for the genuine article.


6. I'm Destroying the World, Guttermouth: Most of the elements of this song, if listed individually, would make you say, "Oh, wow, that sounds like it sucks." A bluegrass/punk song that is less than two minutes and features that… whatever the hell the bouncy sounding thing is? And yet, this song is strangely charming. You do you, Guttermouth.

7. Amoeba, Adolescents: A perfectly serviceable punk song. Catchy, too!

8. Ace of Spades, Motorhead: You know, a lot of people really appreciate Motorhead. I'm not one of those people. "It's all the same to me," as this song says. Still, it rocks, sure. I realize this might be the MOST HERETICAL RANKING OF ALL.


9. 96 Quite Bitter Beings, CKY: A song built off a killer riff and not much else. Not even the best '96' song.

10. Pulse, Mad Capsule Markets: Aggressively weird but ultimately kind of enjoyable. This band is Japanese, which makes a lot of sense.


11. Fight Like a Brave, RHCP: Eh, whatever. This song's "Huurrrahh" yell is exactly the same as the one in noted bad song "New Age Girl," which I find hilarious.

12. Paparazzi, Xzibit: Former Internet meme and punchline Xzibit gets a few bonus points here for making a small orchestra play on a beach.


13. Cut Chemist Suite, Ozomatli: Pretty catchy horn riff, not a huge fan of the raps. Still, this is one of the songs I flat-out did not remember.

14. Amongst the Madness, The Nextmen: This is like the Mendoza line of THPS 3 songs.


15. I Can't Surf, The Reverend Horton Heat: I didn't remember there being a Reverend Horton Heat song in this game, but this is definitely a Reverend Horton Heat song.

16. Check, Zebrahead: Oh, rap rock. We don't miss you.

17. The Boy Who Destroyed the World, AFI: Eh, this is pretty whatever. It's not even the best song about destroying the world on a 20 song video game soundtrack.


18. I'm a Swing It, House of Pain: Didn't remember this one at all. Kind of a cool hook, but the rhymes are pretty weak. Stick to "Jump Around," House of Pain.

19. Wish, Alien Ant Farm: Despite being Alien Ant Farm, this doesn't suck out loud. It's not good, but it was better than I thought Alien Ant Farm would be, so it's really benefiting from low expectations here. Having not played the game in years, I still remember the refrain, which sounds like, "Make a wish/ Make a succotash wish."


20. Let's Get Dirty, Redman: Nah, dude.

Well, there's the ranking! You can argue with it all you want, but please keep in mind I have clearly thought about this much more than you, and you probably don't want to sink to my depths.

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