Like many American internet users, last night I went to my local dive and kind of watched Sharknado 2: The Second Sharknado Movie Sequel on closed captioning. As far as action films go, Sharknado 2: The Sequel to the First Sharknado Movie stirred me to write the definitive review of this made-for-TV masterpiece.

Sharknado 2: Sharknado's Sequel Follow-Up Movie Thing opens in rural middle America, which may strike viewers as odd: I thought sharks lived in the ocean, you might be thinking. Well, you might as well ask where everyone takes a shit in the Iliad because that question is stupid and you are stupid. This is a motherfucking tornado of sharks, and everyone knows that tornadoes inhabit America's plains states. Anyway, our film opens with Tara Reid, a blue-collar, down-on-her-luck sharknado-chaser earning $0.75 for every dollar her male counterparts make for doing twice the work. She's passionate about sharknado-chasing, but given less-than-stellar equipment and a rag-tag team to boot, she's struggling to make ends meet. She needs to cover the BIG sharknado. The sharknado to end all sharknadoes. The sharknado that will put her on the sharknado map.

Unlike Sharknado 1: The Sharknado Before the Second Sharknado, tonight's Sharknado 2: The Sharknado After the First Sharknado lends depth and empathy to Tara Reid's character. Her love interest, Vivica A. Fox—whose makeup artist deserves an Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, ESPY, and Presidential Medal of Honor—adds interracial and LGBTQ bent to the plot, and so updates previous Sharknadoes for a 2014 audience so hell-bent on people with the same—but differently colored—genitalia doing strange things with those genitalia. This movie is edgy as hell.


(Vivica A. Fox devoured by a sharknado in Sharknado 2: Return of Sharknado's Son)

The film's male protagonists are weak at best. Mark McGrath is indeed a refreshing surprise, but his momentous line—"We're gonna need a bigger chainsaw"—is forced in delivery and better suited to a Schindler's List echelon of tragedy. People are dying, afterall.


Sharknado 2: Not That Sharknado But the Other Sharknado does succeed, however, in localized moments of pathos. Unnamed Extra 5's cries of "Spot?! Spot, where are you?!" elicited real tears from this reviewer, especially when the sharknado obliterated Unnamed Extra 5's mod pre-fab home. One also marvels at the special-effects team's attention to detail when Richard Dreyfus (pictured at below-left, demonstrating his stunt-man chops)—in cow costume, no less!—rips through the sharknado-chasers' team van, only to be barbequed in the movie's very satisfying Picnic of Triumph. Reid attempting a beef rib with one hand lends a comedic, cathartic touch. Also Kurt Angle makes a lackluster cameo.

3/5 airplane vomit bags