A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

The Hole In Murderers' Row

The lost 30 For 30 script.

Illustration for article titled The Hole In Murderers Row

Voice: Following the mass bannings and de-starrings of 2009 and 2010, the Deadspin comment section had reclaimed its position as the most consistently humorous and literate public forum on the internet.

Steve U: For a time there, 2010 I guess it was, it was like old times.

Voice: But the golden era would not last long. As the ball dropped on 2010, Gawker media unveiled a new blog format, one that no longer listed posts in chronological order.


[panning black-and-white shot of the redesigned Deadspin that, in retrospect, didn't look all that different]

Voice: As new posts became harder to find, and as the unwashed masses became concentrated in the comment section of the “spotlight” post, many veterans walked away, never to return.


[shot of Arkansas Fred and Lionel Osbourne walking off into sunset]

[Lionel Osbourne runs back]

[Lionel Osbourne leaves again]

Voice: Those veterans who did stay found themselves surrounded by pinks, greys and faded stars whose idea of humor was a Simpsons JPG or Dane Cook joke. The once mighty comment section was seemingly irreparably broken.


[shot of Eddie Murray Sparkles pointing and laughing as UweBollocks cries in a corner]

Voice: But just as it hit bottom, the comment section would find a new savior in the unlikeliest of places.


[footage of Miserable Shitehawk being chased through the streets of Spain by a crazy woman and a homeless teen]

Voice: Within months of its creation, Mad Bastards All had established itself not only as a repository of great comments, but as a commenting instruction manual, and keeper of the now-written code: Be Funny.


Shitehawk: Wait, where did you get that film of me in Spain? That never happened…

Voice: With a strong core of interested veteran commenters, and a new leader to guide them, the Deadspin comment system had stopped the hemorrhaging. But to reclaim its past glory, it would need new blood.


[cut to picture of sign on Gawker Media HQ door: “Auditions Tonight in DUAN”]

Voice: Fortunately, that blood would arrive in May 2011. In his new role as king maker, Miserable Shitehawk annointed four new commenters as the future stars of Deadspin.


Shitehawk: Did you even read that link? That’s exactly what I said I didn’t do.

Voice: Shitehawk’s draft class would prove to be the greatest in Deadspin history, producing three future Commenting Hall of Famers: DJ Jazzy Jeff Weaver,


RMJ=H: DJJJJJJW was one of the ten funniest guys before he got his star. Fact.

Voice: Rare Endangered Vuvuzela,

Bill Simmons: REV is like a combination of Brandon from 90210, Patrick Ewing, and my dad taking me to a game. He’s probably a Level 3 hall of famer.


Voice: and 2012 Commenter of the Year, Raysism.

Tommy Craggs: He is absolutely the face of the franchise.

Voice: But lost in the success of the May 2011 draft class were the struggles of its fourth member, Norm de Plume. While the others quickly found success in the Daily Roundups, DUAN! and Commenter of the Fortnights, Norm struggled to establish an identity. But his talent was never in doubt.


DJJJW: I think Norm might have had the most natural ability of all of us.

REV: When he was around and in shape, he had no peer. The guy was an automatic +1.


Raysism: Yeah, I was definitely the funniest.

Voice: Over the course of late 2011 and early 2012, Norm’s comments became less and less frequent. By the end of 2012, he had vanished.


Steve U: I heard he’s over at Gawker now. Or Jezebel.

Gamboa: He moved. I think I saw him looking for a new home on House Hunters.

BronzeHammer: Who?

Sharting: Maybe he’s dead. If he’s dead, definitely post that on Sidespin.

Eddie Murray Sparkles: Ha!

Voice: Norm de Plume’s whereabouts remained a mystery until March 2013, when the following post was discovered on the amazon.com review of a jogging stroller:

Love this product

By Norm de Plume

This is a high-quality stroller. It handles turns very well, and my child seemed very secure. Would recommend to anyone.


Voice: Following the publication of this deeply disturbing post, the concern intensified. His voice needed to be heard.

[front door opened by man holding baby]

Norm de Plume: Can I help…what the hell is this? Is that camera on?

Voice: He appeared haggard, and possibly drunk. He did not seem to recognize a fellow Deadspin commenter.


Norm de Plume: I am not drunk – why are you talking like that? Who are you even talking to? Are you that Raysism? Did you run here with that camera?

Voice: Confused and disoriented, it seemed that his disappearance from the Deadspin commenting section would never be explained.


Norm de Plume: Why did I stop commenting on Deadspin? Is that what you came here to ask me? Because you people are fucking nuts, that’s why. RMJ=H does nothing but comment all day. And that Eddie Murray guy, too. And have you ever read what Theodore Donald Kerabotsos says on Twitter? HE IS INSANE! And, you, you. You’re probably making up this entire movie just so you can say you won a commenter award that you also made up. GET A LIFE, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.

Voice: Perhaps he really had moved on. Perhaps it is inevitable that one day, some day, the entire class of 2011 will be former commenters.


Norm de Plume: Dude, you can keep talking to your camera, but I am out of here. You can romanticize that place all you want, but I left Deadspin a long time ago.

[pulls jogging stroller out of garage and runs off with child]

[camera zooms in on car in garage]

[License plate reads: OANHESXY]

Illustration for article titled The Hole In Murderers Row

Share This Story

Get our newsletter