A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

I was 14 the last time I shit my pants. This was the 1990's. It was during an end-of-junior high field day sort of thing somewhere in the northern part of the state I grew up in—maybe forty minutes away from the junior high. I think the place was a converted farm—it had paddle boats and canoes and things like that. Volleyball and tennis courts. A big in-ground pool.

Throughout my public school career, I managed to never shit in a school building. There were several reasons for this, including attending a public school system that mostly refused to let kids use the bathrooms when not between classes (jr. high/high school) and that removed all the doors from the bathrooms in an effort to curb tomfoolery (elementary school) and smoking (jr. high/high school). When you skip 7 hours of shitting each weekday, your body develops a natural rhythm. I was a 3 PM Sports Illustrated (Rick Reilly RIP)-reading-regular.

On this fateful day, the field trip was not scheduled to end until 6. I did not factor this information into my plans.


That day I was wearing draw-string khaki shorts. A creamy tan color I’ll never forget.

I shirked the urge to shit all afternoon. I skipped the hamburger/hot dog sandwich lunch that was provided. I didn’t go in the pool all afternoon, for fear of what might occur.

I don’t know why I didn’t just shit in the public bathrooms at the farm place. I should have. But I kept putting it off, walking in circles, trying to distract myself. Finally, when I gave in and headed for the bathroom, I was told to head back to the gate, the busses were loading up.

I was the last person on the bus, and sat in the front seat, behind the driver, alone (thankfully). I started silently farting and felt a small amount of relief. Maybe it was just gas?


During a trafficky hour-plus drive back to the jr. high, I turned on my walkman and fell asleep. I was still asleep when we arrived at our destination. Everyone walked past me, off the bus. As I awoke, I heard people saying it smelled bad. It did. But my stomach felt strangely fine...

...because I was sitting in soggy pair of liquid shit shorts.

That was the last time I shit my pants.

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