A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

There Will Be Snacks

Illustration for article titled There Will Be Snacks

Foreword: This is an old review of There Will Be Blood I wrote when the movie first came out and posted to the underside of my bunk bed to critical acclaim. I am reviving it here both in response to a lowly internet troll who doesn’t believe it exists and to remind myself that after the Ballad of John the Rocker I was supposed to be doing these things sporadically often. Hasn’t happened, but maybe this will remind me to get that shit going again. I’ve made a few minor changes to this version for the modern-day, Sidespin context so technically this is a totally new and original version, you preening pack of armchair shysters.


I hope you enjoy this second installment of my not-very-ongoing or particularly-well-named series: Sports and Probably Other Stuff Reviews For Grown Ups But That Are Written For Kids And That Rhyme Like Kids Poems Which Is How You Know They’re For Kids Even Though The Subject Matters Are Inappropriate For Kids But That’s What Makes It So Ironic.


Welcome back, little kiddies, and how have you been?
Goodness me, I’m excited to see you again!
I know, it’s been so long, just look how you’ve grown!
I’d have brought the big boy chairs, if only I’d known!


But, for now, the ones we have will just have to do,
we’ve got so much time left here, and little to do!
I mean – strike that, reverse it, like ol’ Willy would
and put on your hear-clear ears to listen up good.

Are you ready? Ok then, well here’s why were here:
there’s a new teacher's favorite for film of the year!
[In the pre-Sidespin version a sentence was here,
that made sense then but sounds dated here in this year.]


But we’ll figure that later, for now just unwind,
relax, and imagine this scene in your mind…

At the dusty brown crest, of where Nowhere meets West,
back when no laws or walls could contain you.
On a rope, in a well, lowered halfway to Hell,
is where first we meet young Daniel Plainview.


Dan’s a man of his name, sees the world just the same
as you might expect Plainviews to see it.
Everything’s black and white: You are wrong and he’s right,
and you’d be wise to just let that be it.

He’s an oil man whose true art is winning the rube heart,
by playing who they want to see.
Be it father, or brother, or some silly other –
whatever they need him to be.


‘Til they all feel assured he’s a man of his word
and sell good ol’ Pa Plainview their land.
Then its “Beat it, hillbilly, I’ll drill these hills silly!
Take a hike with your hat in your hand.”

And go drill hills he did, with the help of his kid,
whom he’d groomed to keep on their proud name.
Until fate stepped in one day, disguised as Paul Sunday,
To send ol’ ‘Plan A’ up in flames.


You seeeee…

Paul was a prodigal
son with a pot o’ gold
hidden away back at home.

And he knew he could sell it
to Daniel to well it
for just enough money to roam.

So they shook on it there,
and then Paul told him where
he could find a whole ocean of crude.


Then they both parted ways,
but in both their last days,
it’s the one day they prob’ly both rued.

The prob-lem was…

For Paul the deal sealed,
in it’s fate, a small field,
and the family he knew that lived off it.


Soon the house he once played in,
where siblings still laid in,
would be lost for his tiny profit.

And for Daniel it meant
thirty years to be spent
locking horns with Paul’s pesky twin brother.


Whose God song-and-dance
had the town in a trance,
that the Lord spoke through him and no other.

They were God versus Money,
like Dempsey v. Tunney –
a heavyweight battle of wills.


Fix the hole in your sole,
or the whole of your soul,
was the town’s choice between the two ills.

Don’t give it away!”

Calm down, little fusspots, don’t worry your heads.
And stop yelling out! Did you all take your meds?
Well, I hope so or else we might never get through.
If one Ritalin’s not helping, tell mom you need two.


And for your information, I’ll have you all know,
this all unfolds, still, with two hours to go.
The plot spans forty years! And weaves, interconnected,
like, ten different sub-plots! (…apology accepted)

But if you’re so concerned, I’ll skip quick through the rest:
some stuff happens that’s bad, other stuff’s for the best.
In the end, some stuff’s left to be figured by you.
That’s a wrap, cut and print, now some thoughts on the crew.


The crew!
… boo.

Paul Thomas Anderson
seems like a grand person,
but for his hard to rhyme name.

But that not withstanding,
his writing’s outstanding,
he’s here at the top of his game.


Then there’s Daniel Day-Lewis,
the one actor who is
a shoo-in this year for Best Actor.

He’s the bright-eyedish rogue,
with a slight Irish brogue
who becomes (not just plays) his char-acter.


And if any awards show,
has gall enough to go
ahead and ignore the performance,

of young Paulie Dano,
we all should just say “No!”
and go throw bricks through random storefronts.


“Are you done yet? We’re tired, we get it, its great.”
(…spoiled brats, only here cause your dads pulled out late)
“What was that, Mr. Jose?”
I said, “You’re right, its late."

So, in closing, the lesson I want you to know
is There Will Be Blood, is a beautiful show.
A masterful, sweeping, disturbing, and raw,
tale of human potential, resilience and flaw.


Not to mention a wonderfully deep and complex,
Two hour break from you pain-in-the-necks.
Oh that’s right, did I mention, you’re too young to see,
this R-rated epic? How silly of me.

Well you are, so I guess, never mind all I said.
Suck your thumbs, pee your pants, wait for Shrek 4, instead.
And until then, remember, what’s our golden rule?


“Never tell mom and dad what we heard here at school!”

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