A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
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Things I Would Do With $1.3 Billion

Illustration for article titled Things I Would Do With $1.3 Billion

In no order of importance:

- Travel, far and wide

- Pay off all of my, my family’s, my friend’s, and my enemy’s debts

- Buy some houses and cars

- “Invest”

- Buy Gawker Media, create filters for certain words like “Trump,” “Arsenal,” and “He traveled,” and change them to automatically say: “I’m a dumb stupid idiot face who doesn’t understand the world and the way it works!”


- Open a restaurant

- Pay whoever G-Eazy is to never, EVER record music again

- Have Ben Carson do surgery on himself to inject some sort of personality chip into his brain


- Get a professionally made logo for Sidespin.com

- Turn Webster’s Dictionary into a glossary of terms that Emmanuel Lewis uses on a daily basis


- Buy stake in the New York Giants and teach Ben Goddamn McAdoo and Eli Manning how to read a fucking clock... goddammit

- Get hit by a car

- Donate it to some “cause”


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