A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

Things NFL QBs Would Be Doing If They Weren't NFL QBs (part 1)

This is a list of things NFL QBs would be doing if they weren't NFL QBs.

1. Derek Anderson - Arsonist.

2. Matt Barkley - guy who walks around the beach with a metal detector not even looking for valuables because he's perfectly content to take the reliable 5 cents per aluminum can.


3. McLeod Bethel-Thompson - Hairstylist.

4. Matt Blanchard - Finance bro.

5. Blake Bortles - Guy who solicits donations on city street corners who gets really angry when people don't acknowledge him at all because fuck you, even though he's got a shitty job, he's still a goddamn human being who deserves some goddamn respect.

6. Tajh Boyd - Accountant.

7. Sam Bradford - High school history teacher who is generally well-liked.

8. Tom Brady - Modern Dance instructor.

9. Tyler Bray - Regional Manager of a chain of independent cellular phone stores that are authorized Verizon dealers.


10. Drew Brees - Junior High P.E. Coach.

11. Teddy Bridgewater - Yoga Instructor.

12. Jason Campbell - Marketing Assistant at pharmaceutical company you've never heard of.


13. Derek Carr - Lead guitarist for a rap-rock band that he would describe to you as "sorta like Drowning Pool mixed with Tyler, The Creator's early stuff, you know?"

14. Matt Cassel - Bicycle messenger. r

15. Jimmy Clausen - Night manager at a rural gas station where he can smoke as much weed as he damn well pleases.


16. Kellen Clemens - Pee Wee Hockey coach who lets the kids know exactly what these pussy refs will let them get away with.

17. Aaron Corp - Ghost.


18. Kirk Cousins - Mouth model.

19. Jay Cutler - Owner of a pizza place where the tomato sauce is disgustingly sweet. So much so that you eat there once and you have no choice other than to assume that he's putting at least a cup of sugar into every pot of sauce. The bitch of it is, other people in your neighborhood seem to love his fucking bullshit sugar pizza. "Let's go to Jay's!" they say, and you wonder if their terrible taste in pizza is because they live in an admittedly rural area where the options for pizza are pretty much just Jay's or frozen and so who could blame them? or if something more sinister is at play.


20. Andy Dalton - Finance bro.

21. Chase Daniel - Account Executive at a used car dealership.

22. BJ Daniels - Seven-time International Thumb War Champion.

23. Austin Davis - Defense attorney. Deadspin reader.

24. Dominique Davis - Fireman.

25. Pat Devlin - Recreational Therapist with a heart of gold.


26. Dennis Dixon - World's best granddad.

27. Zac Dysert - Baseball player.

28. Trent Edwards - Cop.

29. David Fales - Nurse.

30. Ryan Fitzpatrick - Guy who tries to sell you flowers and wash your windows on the median in front of the highway on-ramp that is always backed up because no one in this goddamn city knows how to fucking merge.


31. Joe Flacco - Junior high math teacher who everyone hates.

32. Matt Flynn - Programmer who has that rare combination of coding prowess and interpersonal skills that really helps him get ahead.


33. Nick Foles - Career criminal.

34. Josh Freeman - Manager of a tanning salon who doesn't mind driving high school girls who frequent the salon home from parties when they've had too much to drink because he's a stand-up guy and there's nothing weird about it at all it's not like they're anything more than friends or anything like that so why are you being so judgmental about it?


35. Blaine Gabbert - Paintball superstore stock boy and cashier.

36. Jimmy Garoppolo - Young detective who doesn't play by the rules.

37. David Garrard - Veteran detective who is as straight-laced as they come. Jimmy Garoppolo's partner, and natural adversary until they learn to overcome their differences and work together.


38. Garrett Gilbert - Guy at every bar you go to who calls you a retard and wants to fight you.


39. Mike Glennon - Eco-tourism aficionado and self-made millionaire.

40. Bruce Gradkowski - Professional bowler who struggles to balance his work and home life and openly says as much to anyone who is willing to speak with him.


41. Robert Griffin III - Bank teller.

42. Ryan Griffin - An extra who specializes in portraying organized crime cronies for movies and television.


43. Rex Grossman - Unemployed guy who only uses Twitter for pornography.

44. Calb Jeffrey Hanie - Author and cover-model of self-published romance novels.


45. Chandler Harnish - NY Daily News contributor.

46. Graham Harrell - 1st grader in a proudly punitive school district where they won't promote him to 2nd grade until he learns to share his toys and keep his hands to himself.


47. Matt Hasselbeck - Ear fetishist even though that's not really a career, but the way Matt sees it, if you're not doing what you love, why bother doing anything?

48. Chad Henne - Mechanic.

49. Shaun Hill - Restaurant Chef of above-average talent.

50. Brian Hoyer - Fish processor.

51. Tavaris Jackson - Ornithologist.

52. Jerrod Johnson - Social worker.

53. Josh Johnson - Pharmacist who hates talking to people but really doesn't mind the mindlessness of counting pills and printing labels and bagging and stapling people's medicine. It's a job, and he makes decent money, so who cares?


54. Landry Jones - Dog catcher.

55. Colin Kaepernick - CrossFit Trainer.

56. Mike Kafka - Neck surgeon.

57. Case Keenum - Finance bro.

58. GJ Kinne - Paralegal who fucks everything up and no one trusts him to do anything important but he's such a nice guy that most people just let it slide.


59. Jon Kitna - Loan Officer.

60. Kevin Kolb - Bartender who'll be the first to admit that his life didn't go exactly as planned.


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