A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

Things NFL QBs Would Be Doing If They Weren't NFL QBs (part 2)

It’s the sequel you’ve waited 13 months for!!! Part 1 is here.

61. Thad Lewis - Owner of a successful laundromat where almost all of the machines work and the place isn’t full of drifters, so people feel totally comfortable leaving their clothes in the washer and dryer and going home to watch an episode of Entourage instead of milling around the laundromat for two hours.


62. Ryan Lindley - Brazer.

63. Jake Locker - Hospital technician.

64. Andrew Luck - Carpet installer who has a lot of crazy stories about middle-aged women throwing themselves at him that his friends sort of believe because he’s pretty okay looking for a carpet installer but some of the shit he says? I mean? Really?

65. Ryan Mallett - Bartender at a shitty bar.

66. Eli Manning - Associate Project Manager at a pharmaceutical company.

67. Peyton Manning - Serial Killer.


68. EJ Manuel - A really shitty chiropractor that all of his colleagues hate because he makes them all look like phony doctors on account of how bad he is.

69. Johnny Manziel - Busboy at a country club where he spends most of his days telling highly exaggerated stories about his sex life to the other busboys who are all thirteenish because they need to know how fucking awesome he is.


70. AJ McCarron - Elementary school music teacher.

71. Josh McCown - Crane operator.

72. Luke McCown - Crane operator who everyone hates because he’s not nearly as good at it as his brother and also? He’s sort of a little turdboy.


73. Colt McCoy - Dental technician.

74. Greg McElroy - Really conceited pharmacist who loves telling customers that their insurance doesn’t cover name-brand drugs and that it’s not his fault that the manufacturer has a patent and no generics exist. He doesn’t make the rules!


75. Matt McGloin - Dog groomer.

76. Zach Mettenberger - Sprots writer who trades in hot taeks. Like he thinks intentionally calls all soccer “MLS” because isn’t it all major league? Stuff like that, probably.


77. Kellen Moore - Vice Principal at a high school. The nice one.


78. Matt Moore - Vice Principal at a high school. The mean one.

79. Aaron Murray - Cancer researcher who nearly finds a cure for cancer frequently enough that his supervisors constantly talk about how great he is and how he’s really gonna do it one day, and he strings them along for years until they finally realize he’s just a great big poop.


80. Ryan Nassib - Cop.

81. Cam Newton - Mechanic.

82. Dan Orlovsky - Guy who moves out to LA because he’s got all these ideas for screenplays but instead of writing he mostly spends his time jerking off and when he’s not jerking off, he tells all of his friends back home how great he’s doing. He also loves taking Instagram pictures of himself doing awesome shit and talking about how hard writing is. So a waiter, basically. .


83. Kyle Orton - Dog walker with a 3.3-star average rating on Yelp.

84. Brock Osweiler - Embalmer.


85. Curtis Painter - Marijuana dealer.

86. Carson Palmer - Elementary School gym teacher.

87. Jordan Palmer - Bank teller.

88. Christian Ponder - Stay at home dad.

89. Terrelle Pryor - Etcher.

90. Brady Quinn - Fence erector. Doofus.

91. Sean Renfree - Corrections officer who really loves his job, not because he’s cruel to inmates, just because, you know, he believes in hard work and really considers it his personal honor to oversee the health and wellness of those deemed incompatible with civil society.


92. Phillip Rivers - Bartender at a really nice beach bar. Not one of those plastic cup fuckhouses. A nice bar where the sink where you wash your hands, you know? It’s like one huge brushed iron trough with these really understated taps and the bar is all reclaimed wood and the soundtrack is surf classics that you know and love. But it’s not like a hipster bar. It’s inclusionary, because Rivers makes everyone feel welcome.


93. Zac Robinson - Commercial actor who can only get parts in hair plug commercials even though he assures you that his hair is natural.

94. Aaron Rodgers - Owner of a specialty liquor store in the northern part of a state that borders Canada where his dumb internet friends constantly prank call him and leave fake Yelp reviews and he spends at least half his day removing their reviews and being like “You’re blocked now,” but secretly he loves it but also secretly he fears he will one day snap.


95. Jordan Rodgers - Tobacco roaster.

96. Ben Roethlisberger - Cop who would still insist on being called “Big Ben.”

97. Tony Romo - Manager of a Men’s Wearhouse where not only will you like the way you look, he’ll give you life advice and help you with personal problems and also give you his cell phone number and tell you flat out to call him if you need anything. Anything at all.


98. Matt Ryan - Furniture finisher.

99. Mark Sanchez - Finance bro.

100. Tom Savage - Guy who eats a million earth worms for science.


101. Matt Schaub - Hotel desk clerk that you worry will sneak into your room and burgle your belongings.

102. Matt Scott - Social worker.

103. Connor Shaw - Highway Patrolman.

104. Matt Simms - Hydrologist.

105. John Skelton - Postal worker.

106. Alex Smith - Professional mover who hustles really hard on account of his undersized hands.


107. Geno Smith - Poker dealer who constantly tells you what “the book” says to do in this situation and you’re like “I’m trying to play POKER here. I’ll split tens all goddamn day!”

108. Rusty Smith - Alamo Rental Car agent.

109. Troy Smith - Dental hygienist.

110. Jevan Snead - Civil War Re-enactor, so unemployed.

111. Brad Sorensen - Archery instructor.

112. Jim Sorgi - Submarine sandwich shop owner and sandwich enthusiast but all of the subs come on bread that’s like a little too hard to bite through and so the store isn’t popular in the sense that you never see anyone really going in there, but somehow it stays in business.


113. Brian St. Pierre - Potter.

114. Matthew Stafford - A really unprepared attorney who always bitches about never making partner at his firm but never does anything to ingratiate himself to anyone.


115. Drew Stanton - Boot model for Palladium.

116. Ricky Stanzi - Greeter at a Wal Mart.

117. Nick Stephens - Accountant.

118. Ryan Tannehill - Forger.


119. Tyrod Taylor - High school history teacher who pretty much only talks about World War II and how much ass America used to kick.


120. Tyler Thigpen -David Denman.

121. Logan Thomas - Geological sample tester who complains about work all the time and always says he’s going to leave his job and get an MBA and start making REAL money, you know? But he never does.


122. Dylan Thompson - Lead singer in a hardcore band that blends Pantera-metal with Youth of Today messaging.

123. Scott Tolzien - Classroom assistant for a Kindergarten teacher.

124. Jeff Tuel - Textile presser.

125. Dustin Vaughn - Big game hunter and world-traveler.

126. Mike Vick - Faller.

127. Seneca Wallace - Nurse.


128. Joe Webb - Social worker who always puts on a positive face for his clients and never brings his own personal drama (of which there is plenty!) into work.

129. Brandon Weeden - Machine setter.

130. Keith Wenning - Certified oil change specialist.

131. Pat White - Pie eating contest competitor who never wins but still makes north of $18K a year on endorsements.


132. Charlie Whitehurst - Sex gigolo.

133. Russell Wilson - High school English teacher who grooms his female students to fall in love with him and leads them on and if they finally make a move, he shuts them down in the nastiest way possible and reports them to their parents and says they need to spend more time praying.


134. Tyler Wilson - Commercial airline pilot.

135. Jameis Winston - Guy who cleans stadiums after people leave and drinks half empty beers if there are no cigarettes in them.


136. TJ Yates - Military Colonel.

137. Vince Young - Beekeeper.

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