A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

Things To Get In Your Halloween Candy Bag, Ranked

1. Full-sized candy bars. Although I think this is more of an urban legend...there were always rumors of that one house that one time, but a full-sized candy bar never graced my pillowcase.

2. Mini candy bars. I won't bother ranking the candy bars, we all have our favorites, but suffice to say all mini candy bars are better than all other forms of candy. I'm including mini packs of M&M's in this.


3. Tootsie rolls. Obviously the big long ones are better than the short thick ones which are in turn better than the little mini ones, but they're all good. (Innuendo!) These do not count as candy bars. I'll also throw tootsie pops in here.

4. SweeTarts. Could be ranked higher, depending on my mood. I loves me a SweeTart

5. Nerds

6. Miscellaneous hard candies including butterscotch and peppermints

7. Dum-dums

8. Taffy. Eaten only in desperation after the other candy runs out. Taffy is like taking your jaw to the gym. I'm trying to be a gluttonous brat here and spending five minutes chewing a damn taffy is wasting time and energy.


9. Smarties. Is there a difference between Smarties and fruit-flavored Tums? It's like eating chalk. 90% of my Smarties never made it out of the wrapper. And that's the other thing—open up a pack of Smarties in the kitchen and then spend five minutes chasing them as they roll off the table and all over the floor. Smarties on a bracelet have a novelty value but they still suck.

10. Homemade popcorn balls. There was one grandma in my neighborhood growing up who spent much time and effort on these every year. They were rock hard and awful and the neighborhood children avoided her house. I felt bad for her, even at the time. Still, who wants a shitty popcorn ball?



85. Coins. The last refuge of the childless couple on your street who completely forgot it was Halloween and had to make a mad scramble for something to give you when you showed up at the door. Every year I'd come home with like 17 cents in my bag. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that, you barren assholes



1,357. Being Mormon.


31,793. Razor blade

31,794. Toothbrush. If you have the balls to put a toothbrush in a kid's trick o' treat bag, I'm assuming you're prepared to spend all of November 1st on a ladder with cleaning products. It's trick or TREAT you fun-sucking clod, and you just opted for trick.


What am I forgetting? Discuss how wrong you are in the comments

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