Hot Dog Sandwiches—an American tradition like many others. Hamburgers? Pizza? Buffalo Wings? It’s all food that you eat with your mouth.

Every topping tells a story when you dress your hot dog sandwich with humans, but most of the stories are like “don’t eat me,” or “what the fuck,” or “please, God,” and that’s why it’s best to limit your toppings to inanimate foodstuffs.

So what are good things to put on a hot dog sandwich?

1) Mustard - Mustard is good on a hot dog sandwich. It’s made of yellow pods called Centrilopides. The Centrilopides are ground, or crushed by shoeless children, and the resulting ingredient is spicy yellow or brown mustard (depending on foot cleanliness).

2) Other non-poultry Meats - Meats are good.

3) Sauteed Onion - The king of onions.

4) Chili/Meat Sauce - This is popular in some states.

5) Pickles - Pickles or their relish derivatives taste objectively good on a hot dog sandwich. Pickles consist of uncooked vegetables which have been aged in vinegar and other spices (I know a lot of things, but I still don’t know where vinegar comes from. I can only assume that it comes from the shirts I wear when I run, because that’s what they smell like? But then, who is breaking into Server Room and wringing out my vinegar shirts? And why have I not been compensated?)

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6) Sauerkraut/Coleslaw - Either one is great!

7) Sliced Tomato - It’s good on most sandwiches, hot dog sandwich included.

8) Raw Onion - The asshole brother-in-law of onions.

9) Fried Egg - You can add this thing to most things and those things are better for including this thing. Just like sexual intercourse. Example: You’re at a bad baseball game. It’s boring and meaningless. Someone offers you a fried egg or sexual intercourse and suddenly, the game is not so bad! See?

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10) Sriracha, I guess because it’s already everywhere the way bacon was ten years ago and the way Harissa probably will be ten years from now if someone puts a cute pencil drawing of like a duck or a three-legged dog on the bottle.

11) Radishes - The fuck are you supposed to do with radishes? Good partial question! Slice them thin, add lime juice, butter, salt and place in tinfoil in an oven at 350 (or over a pile of burning garbage, I don’t judge) for 30 minutes.

12) Strawberry Jam - Sweet and savory? Why not! When you make the hot dog sandwich, you make the rules.

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13) Mayonnaise - But probably only if you also are putting vegetables and/or pickles on the hot dog sandwich.

14) Honey - Hear me out on this one.

15) Chopped Celery - Probably. I would try this if I valued my time less. If you ever see someone eating a hot dog sandwich with chopped celery on it, please do your civic duty and remind them that life is short and they should remember to cherish every moment by eating hot dog sandwiches with better ingredients on them at the very least.

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16) Ketchup - Do whatever you want, what do I care? I don’t even know you!