We all know and love them. They bring us joy! They bring us sorrow. Sports are part of our lives. And yet we do not know, truly, what are sports. I will set out in this essay to answer the question at hand.


Thesis: Sports are fun.

You might say, “Roy, sports are anything that you can do and have fun! All fun is sports and sports are always fun!”

I say to you this is a cheerful idea but, unfortunately, must come to naught. My friend I ask of you this one question in return: does it look like Ryan Howard is having fun out there? No, my friend. It does not.


Thesis: Sports are pain.

Your initial argument ground into a fine mist, you retort that if Sports are not Fun they must, contrariwise, be sheer unadulterated pain; utter misery that blackens a man’s soul.

If we were to examine only my previous example, the woeful and incompetent R. Howard of the Philadelphia Philadelphias, then yes. You are correct. But, I would be remiss if I did not note that even the slovenly Howard of Philadelphia has been known to slam the home run ball. And, for every ounce of pain that the Vile R. Howard feels, his enemy on the bases feels that much joy in equal measure.


So, although sports can be pain, it cannot also always be pain, and accordingly is not in and of itself pain.

Thesis: Sports are truth.

Bewildered by the power of my logic you turn, sputtering and incoherent and blurt out between heaving gasps for air that Sports are the Truth, the Light, and the Way.


My friend, we may have something here.

Unless our eyes deceive us, Sports are, in fact, the truth. When the sniveling Howard flails at a curveball that bounces 5 feet in front of the plate, has not such an event just occurred? It has, and the umpire thusly has signaled so.

Do sports not bring us warmth and allow us to see clearly how the world works? Does not the shameful Howard’s 125 million dollar contract lay bare the utter incompetence of the supposedly skillful; the supposedly in charge? Does it not indict the capitalists for what they truly are? It must, otherwise up might as soon be down.


Do sports give us a path to follow that we might go through this life and feel at one with the world? Can a man not scream at the heavens, “I HATE THE HOWARD! I HATE HIM WITH MY LIFE AND TO THE CORE OF HIS BEING!” and will not the man next to him retort, “You and me both, brother.” We will then feel at one and together.


So in conclusion, we ask again: what are sports? The answer: yes, these are sports.