A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

What Do We Know About Joe Wolf’s Dairy Queen Franchise?

Alone in a small village, reasonably far from any major city, the former NBA player opened his own Dairy Queen—or was it Culver's?—franchise. He pictured his financial well-being after basketball, and used lawyers to guide himself through the murky waters of owning a fast food franchise. This is exactly the kind of story for which absolutely no one clamors, and former Milwaukee Buck Joe Wolf provided it untold years ago in a fiscally responsible show of normalcy. But the question still lingers: how do we know any of this is legitimate?

Let's start with the assumption that the franchise in question is actually a Dairy Queen. The story begins in Sheboygan Falls, Wisconsin, not a stone's throw from where Wolf grew up in Kohler. Being Wisconsin, there are several possible franchises that specialize in frozen treats while still delivering fast American fare that Wolf could have opened including Culver's, A&W, Dairy Queen, and possibly even Gilles. Now, according to Google Maps, there is a Dairy Queen on Fond du Lac Avenue in Sheboygan Falls, and it is called Wolf's Dairy Queen. Take from that what you will, but are we sure that it's not one of those other ones?


Whether or not Joe Wolf actually owns this franchise further casts a shadow over this whole enterprise. Assuming that a Wolf's Dairy Queen actually exists, how are we supposed to know that it is former NBA player Joe Wolf's? It could be Rick Wolf's. It could be Barb Wolf's. Hell, it could even be Kjell Wolf's. The only supporting evidence I've seen are the several articles online in which Joe Wolf talks about his Dairy Queen franchise in Sheboygan Falls, Wisconsin. I might note that I've been to this Dairy Queen location and I can unequivocally say that Joe Wolf was not there (he would be hard to miss at 6' 11"). No, I only saw a slightly suspicious, life-size cardboard cutout of Joe Wolf. Could that be what's been fooling all these people for so many years?

Now, assuming that this is actually a Dairy Queen franchise that is owned and operated by one Joe Wolf, how do we know that this Joe Wolf is the same Joe Wolf that played for the Bucks and was named the greatest high school basketball player in the history of the state of Wisconsin by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel in 2005? We don't. All we have is the word of Joe Wolf himself. As well as his family and likely the other 7,770 residents of Sheboygan Falls, Wisconsin. But can they really be trusted?


I tried reaching out to the man himself, but he is currently an assistant basketball coach for the Brooklyn Nets and didn't return an email I sent to his Hotmail account. This sounded fishy to me, and altogether too convenient an excuse for Joe Wolf to not have to answer pressing concerns about the veracity of "his" business back in Sheboygan Falls, Wisconsin. Are the Brooklyn Nets actually an NBA basketball team?

Now for the really tricky part of this. Let's assume that what we've heard is all true and this is actually a Dairy Queen franchise owned by the Joe Wolf. How do we know that he isn't using this establishment to funnel money for his debilitating addiction to whip-its. The Sheboygan County Sheriff's department told me to "fuck off and stop asking these dumb-ass questions" which is a huge red flag in my book. Needless to say, I didn't make much more headway on that front. But rumors from two individuals on obscure message boards can confirm this, so who do we believe?


Do we even know what kind of shape Joe Wolf was in financially when he retired in 1999? Can anyone say for certain that Joe Wolf wasn't killed after retirement with the killer assuming his identity and opening a fast food chain then moving on to coach at the highest level? Are we even sure this whole scheme isn't some hologram reality cooked up by the government to con the good, hard-working people of Sheboygan County into thinking their beloved hometown hero had sunk so low as to own a Dairy Queen? Whatever the truth is, it most likely died with Joe Wolf that day in August, 1999, but I guess we'll just have to take his word that he in fact did not and is currently a Brooklyn Nets assistant coach that owns a Dairy Queen Franchise in Sheboygan Falls, Wisconsin. For now.

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