A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

What Ruined Deadspin: Division Finals and the Deadspin Division

OBG: First, I’d like to apologize to our readers for missing yesterday’s breakdown. But not all of you.

Three Sad Pathetic Losers from the Deadspin Commentariat have decided to investigate what Ruined Deadspin. Since they are neither creative nor smart, they decided to do so using that famous bracket style we all know and love. Because they never did that before.

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For the introduction to the What Ruined Deadspin bracket, click here. Follow us on twitter while we beg for RT’s here.

Today, an in-depth analysis of the Deadspin Ruined Deadspin Division.


OBG: I only want to apologize to those of you who didn’t vote. I was up until 1 a.m. Tuesday night going all over the region picking up ballots, and then spent Wednesday comparing 4,500 ballot signatures to their respective voter registration cards. It would be a lot easier if you guys just stopped voting. Many people have told me we should get rid of this bracket and let our hair-obsessed, foulmouthed, delusional, tweetstorming, and power-hungry editorial leaders choose the winners and the losers.

NSS: 1 AM, wow that’s like 4 hours past your bedtime.

OBG: 4 and a half.

NSS: I am amazed you are functioning at all right now. I assume you took some time to get yourself up to speed on some of the early results through what have gotta be some pretty lucid hallucinations. Dock Ellis pitching a no-hitter sort of hallucinations.

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OBG: I’ve got those @worstsongbracke tweets set for alerts, baby, and I’ve gotten used to the upsets. My bracket votes here have been as relevant as my election votes.

NSS: It’s late Wednesday night right now so we’re projecting some outcomes, but we definitely had a trio of upsets already. And the one that really excites me is long-time Deadspin antagonist (7) Batista Thumbs Up upsetting (2) Barry Petchesky to pave his way to the division finals. For those who have drank their brains into a bowl of gravy and can’t remember last week, Barry was the guy who tried to get fired from Deadspin, was immediately fired, and the aftermath became the literal death of Deadspin. He had as strong a case of ruining Deadspin as anyone.

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OBG: So you’re saying the voters believe that while Barry killed Deadspin, it was already ruined by us, the unstarred commenters, before he fell on his sword?

RM: Batista Thumbs Up is somehow still commenting on kinja, saying stuff like, “Hey, just remembered when I got to see my hottest cousin in a bra when I climbed a ladder that was right under her window. Awesome!” and “It still counts as getting ass when my hand slips through the toilet paper when I am taking a dump!” I’d say this guy sucks shit, but that’s an insult to whatever tool it is they use to clean out porta-johns.

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NSS: It is wholly on-brand that Spanfeller locked the comments and Batista would still show up somehow. The dude has a permanent shanty residence at the intersection of Leitch-era Mean Girls toxicity and the busted-ass Adam Sandler humor of the Marchman era. But we should also remember the starred system went away over 7 years ago and we still end up with dipshits like this guy who wax poetic about who would and wouldn’t have been approved to riff on Josh Hamilton’s substance abuse through a dial-up connection. (sorry, Freeman).

OBG: (Bad memories. I had AOL on a 2400baud dial-up. At $3.50 an hour. This is wholly on-brand for me.)

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NSS: It must have been quite a day when your ISP sent you the option to upgrade your connection to the Pony Express. Credit where credit is due though, Batista has stood in the batter’s box and been plunked by Deadspin regulars for literally half a decade. Respect.

OBG: Or to switch sports, he’s the Shawn Bradley of the Deadspin comment section. You can’t get posterized unless you flail your arms wildly at the stars’ heads.

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NSS: Exactly. The other side of his matchup is overall #1 or #2 seed, (1) A.J. Daulerio. This entire tournament is really the AJ memorial. People have said AJ ruined Deadspin longer than any of us have been on Deadspin. AJ’s been ruining Deadspin longer than all the former-former editorial staff has been employed by whatever Hogan Enterprises called itself like 10 years ago (Barry excluded).

OBG: Was it really fair to put the winner of (8) Tom Ley and (8) Samer Kalaf up against this juggernaut?

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NSS: Bear blogging vs… actually I don’t know what Samer did, which is probably why he didn’t ruin Deadspin after all. Really, the matchup isn’t fair to anyone, aside from Batista Thumbs Up, because that’s more than he deserves already.

RM: Somewhere AJ is doing poppers to even out after railing too much fent and his ears are burning - and that’s not just the residual effects of taking amphetamines. I mean it’s that, but also that thing where people are talking about you.

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NSS: I originally wanted to save the best for last and do the Deadspin Division at the end of the week, but AJ/BTU could actually be the stand-in for the finals of the entire bracket. This is a huge matchup that will set the tone for the last couple days of voting and could be our winner. I am extremely excited to see where this goes.

OBG: So you admit the election is rigged! I’m questioning our seeding (and therefore the early round matchups). For example, (3) Marchman won as a favorite against (6) Drew Magary. I have to wonder though, if Drew had actually died at the Deadspin Awards, where would he have been seeded? (Six feet under, hey-ohhh). And would a dead Drew have had a good shot of defeating Batista?

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NSS: Dead Drew would definitely ruin Deadspin in an unprecedented way, but even so, the last entry out in the #CONTENT Division was “Drew Magary’s Exploding Balls n’ Brains.” Even in life he found a way to disgust us with more than other people’s poop jokes. There still was a lot of commenter-on-commenter violence in this bracket though. Barry vs. Batista, Samer vs. Ley in the play-in game, Batista vs. hypothetical zombie Drew...

OBG: As there should be. And I gotta believe (5) Billy Haisley upset (4) Tommy Craggs (who has been honored for years and even roasted for ruining Deadspin) only because of recency bias. That must be a real bicycle kick to the groin for Tommy.

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NSS: Tommy was a pinko commie who rickrolled Deadspin with endless verts and turned it from a sports blog into a Martha Stewart companion piece. But Billy openly trolled the entire readership while being egged on by the rest of the staff. As a character in a vacuum, Billy was always fucking hilarious to me because he was unapologetically true to himself despite an audience on a free website that would have paid to read someone else.

OBG: Some people might say what Tommy did was a Good Thing. And you make Billy and Batista sound perfectly suited for bracket battle. But we’ll never know, will we? Hold on a second, I have to comment on my grand niece’s facebook photo…..

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RM: I am not entirely convinced that Bill Haisley is/was a real person.

OBG: I assumed Shep McAlister was not real, until the bracket was announced.

RM: Shep McAllister and Billy sleep in bunk beds and they are built like Ken dolls. They live for deals and Lil B. Tommy left Deadspin to go be an editor for that neoliberal shit rag Mother Jones, so how much of a commie pinko can he really be. He is currently editing a piece entitled. “Here’s why it’s actually conservative to use too much toilet paper in the company bathroom.” Who should win this? I don’t know, is there a God? Are you there God? It’s me, rhythm method.

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RM: Well that about wraps up the Deadspin division. OBG is a boomer and he has to go to bed and read a Louis L’Amour novel because it’s 8:45 PM on the West Coast. NSS has to go change the sheets he wet last night (he says it’s easier to “let them dry”?) and I have to go because I’ve run out of jokes (several years ago).

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Editors note: On previous versions of this article, our bracket incorrectly identified “Jim ‘Herb’ Spanfeller” as “Jim Spanfeller”. We regret the error.

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Find the Worst Song Bracket boys on twitter, at @worstsongbracke

“Rhythm Method” is a bad song enthusiast and native Seattleite who lived in beautiful Yuma, AZ before bailing on weather that was over 75 and going back to Seattle. Follow him on twitter here. “notsomethingstructural” (aka @nss_ds) is an amateur listicle purveyor and vigilant nihilist. He makes no apologies for being a terrible follow. Together, they produced the timeless "Worst Song Bracket" from where they take their namesake. Old Beige Guy (@oldbeigeguy) is also from Seattle, which is what everybody in Washington, Alaska, and Idaho says. He will be in bed by 8:30 9:00 this evening.

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