NSS: Two divisions down, two to go, and you’ve already got yourself a Final Four. Today, the Gawker Ruined Deadspin Division.
Three Sad Pathetic Losers from the Deadspin Commentariat have decided to investigate what Ruined Deadspin. Since they are neither creative nor smart, they decided to do so using that famous bracket style we all know and love. Because they never did that before.
Today, an in-depth analysis of the Gawker Ruined Deadspin Division.
OBG: Forget my recent misguided complaints about the voters. One look at the Gawker Division reminds us about the danger of taking power out of the hands of the people and putting it within the grasp of the courts (though they are the single greatest revenue source for 31.5% of starred commenters). Our first, third, and sixth seeds respectively lost, invested, and won tens of millions of dollars attempting to ruin Deadspin through the eighth seed state court of Pinellas County.
NSS: OBG, voters suck. They committed the most heinous atrocity of this bracket, advancing (8) Pinellas County Court System over (1) Nick Denton. The courts fucked up for a day, Denton had been fucking up for like 15 years by that point. If Deadspin is a felled tree, Denton is the stump. All bad things grew from Nick Denton’s vile seed. I’m concerned that came out wrong. But in any case, voters simply can’t be trusted to make decisions in their own best interests.
RM: So Pinellas County is home to the St. Petersburg Salvador Dali Museum, which houses one of the largest collections of Dali works in the world - and definitely has an impressive amount of works from Dali’s later period. Fitting, as our dutiful voters seem to be up their own assholes.
NSS: There was more ink on Gawker post-mortems than in an octopus tank in a thunderstorm so I don’t really feel the need to go back through all of the court history here, but I’m relieved our readers took (3) Peter Thiel over (6) Hulk Hogan. I genuinely feel bad for HH because he’s the least interesting and least vital part of this entire escapade. Thiel was like a patent troll, or those scummy lawyers who sue restaurants because their sink basin was mounted 2” too high. HH was just a useless proxy who had to go on the witness stand and talk about how average his own dick was while gay VC seasteading Dracula smiled and rapped his fingertips in the gallery.
RM: Peter Thiel is a shining example of why rich people who claim to be Libertarians are full of shit. Despite this love of small government, Peter Thiel used the GOVERNMENT to destroy a business that thrived in the FREE MARKET while wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights because they were mean to rich people. He then spent millions more and lent his ghoulish visage to definite libertarian Donald Trump. Also, he definitely doesn’t want to do anything Little Saint Jamesy on any of those abandoned oil rigs***. PARODY PARODY PARODY.***
NSS: I also loved the poetic symmetry of (5) John Cook vs. (4) Max Read. The GMG Executive Editor position was more or less a revolving door that took 2 years to get through, but being that all the other GMG Executive Editors seem to have found homes elsewhere in this bracket, that left us with this showdown.
On one side of this, Max is easy to blame. He was Gawker’s A.J. whenever A.J. wasn’t Gawker’s A.J.. So after A.J. left, there was nowhere left to hide whenever the river of shit came in from outside GMG’s walls for this-or-that reason. That’s the simplest truth, even if it’s a convenient one given that he green-lit that ill-fated Conde Nast Executive dude’s hit-piece. Max ruined Deadspin by attrition.
On the other side, John was given the impossible task of overseeing a “20% nicer Gawker” and was set up to fail from the start by Denton (see there he is again!). And his first order of business seemed to be to crumple up the “outside help” Vaudeville show that Craggs had curated and throw it in the trash. Not that any of it was good but at least it was ours. (Not coincidentally, this is also when commenters suddenly became a nuisance to the site, which, fair).
RM: I just have two questions: 1) Who is John Cook and 2) Who is Max Read?
OBG: 1) CEO of Apple and 2) Melania’s literacy program for kids.
Speaking of questionable decisions by voters, I’d like to congratulate Richard Cranium and Bopha, bopha whom collected substantial write-in votes in Tuesday’s election. Viva democracy!
NSS: Our voters would have elected them in a landslide. And though they went chalk with (2) Hamilton Nolan over (7) Criminally Underseeded Shep McAllister, I still regret giving them a voice.
RM: So Shep McCallister is also no longer with Gizmodo now so he is free to discover all kinds of deals unencumbered by the new ownership group. He will now go on a countrywide tour promoting his new book Dangerous Deals: Life on the Run (For Savings!). Hamilton Nolan looks like this kid I went to college with who got scurvy somehow (???) and took naps wearing his shoes and socks. He’s currently starring in the reboot of The Adventures of Pete & Pete but the brothers Pete are now middle school teachers with an addiction to whip-its.
OBG: Looking at the current polling data, is there any way the final 4 isn’t (1) A.J. Daulerio against (4) Stick To Sports and (1) Jim “Herb” Spanfeller against (3) Peter Thiel?
NSS: It’s still 12 hours away as we write this, but these look like blowouts. Who you taking to make the finals and walk away as champ? I’ll take Herb over Thiel mainly due to recency bias, but his constant chickenshit cowardice definitely bolsters his odds. Though let’s not pretend an anonymous litigation financier / investor has any sort of pious virtue in this street fight. I’ll take A.J. over Stick to Sports, and I’m really torn on the finals. I guess Spanfeller but I think it’ll be down to the wire. I also do not want to take an inflatable raft all around the Bahamas to find what storm-damaged shack A.J. is squatting to award him his prize.
RM: I think it will be Spanfeller and Stick to Sports in the finals. It will be fitting, and to be honest how do you even vote? It’s like asking you to pick between anxiety and depression. I guess I pick anxiety because of Xanax, but at the end of the day.. wait what the fuck was I talking about?
OBG: You gave me a nice segue to the Gawker deposition. And that’s why I’m taking A.J. vs. Peter Thiel in a rematch. Hoping for a different winner this time.
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“Rhythm Method” is a bad song enthusiast and native Seattleite who lived in beautiful Yuma, AZ before bailing on weather that was over 75 and going back to Seattle. Follow him on twitter here. “notsomethingstructural” (aka @nss_ds) is an amateur listicle purveyor and vigilant nihilist. He makes no apologies for being a terrible follow. Together, they produced the timeless "Worst Song Bracket" from where they take their namesake. Old Beige Guy (@oldbeigeguy) is also from Seattle, which is what everybody in Washington, Alaska, and Idaho says. He will be in bed by
8:30 9:00 7:30 this evening.