It wasn’t supposed to end like this.
And yet, how else could it end?? Through fake girlfriends (not just the Canadian girlfriends of their commenters), fake-oops-not-fake politician football careers, #onlineposting war waged with 5 (or is it 6?*) sporting publications, uncountable adversaries, endless lawsuits, and endless dick pics, nothing could kill Deadspin. And after 3 owners, 6 Editors in Chief, a vindictive vampire billionaire, Clay Travis, and a washed-up pro wrestler, it seemed no person could kill Deadspin either. And to think, when it finally happened, all it took was a pinko Craggs-ian twist on Kafka’s retelling of “Atlas Shrugged: On Broadway” - just like we knew it would all along.
The other oxymoronic half-truth at the end of Deadspin is already known by every regular reader, commenter, the extremely #online, and Twitter ombudsman: it might be dead now, but Deadspin stopped being Deadspin give-or-take a year after you started reading. It’s been ruined for anything from 6 months to 12 years. And now, in the great Deadspin post-mortem tradition of the Viking
sex boat funeral, it’s your turn to sound off and roast these fuckers.
That’s right, your Worst Song Bracket Boiz rhythm method and notsomethingstructural are back. And this time, we brought Old Beige Guy on as our special profanity moderator and general leash. Let’s do this.
*Is Barstool Sports really “a publication”? Do you also consider eating someone’s shit “a sex act”?
“Deadspin ruined Deadspin” - it was always the editors. And Drew. And Haisley! Hell it was all of them. We trusted them to run this site and just not fuck it up. Such a simple request. And yet year by year they turned that mandate into a Sisyphean struggle. Except in this case the Sisyphus pooped on his own balls.
“Gawker ruined Deadspin” - hoo boy where to start here. I guess if one masthead worth of editors ruining their own website isn’t enough, Deadspin was lucky enough to have TWO sites of editors working against it. And a seasteading vampire. And a borderline/openly corrupt court. A pro wrestler cucking a guy named after a cum rag. No one is buying the rights to that Lifetime movie.
“#content ruined Deadspin” - I mean calling Adequate Man content is… yeesh. At least it wasn’t more Lil B posts, I guess. But from the posts that blew up and deluged us with shitty commenters to the uncalled for, irrelevant, and factually wrong underexplained lists, Let’s Remember Some Guys Dogshit.
The Justice Stewart Division - “I know it when I see it.” The catchall. The category that defies categorization. A holdover of the Worst Song Bracket days from the fabled words of Justice Potter Stewart’s word-perfect description of hardcore pornography (the most commonly viewed sites of Deadspinners everywhere). For all the rest that could ruin a blog - from spineless media goons like Spanfeller to harmless puds like Dan Snyder who tried to litigate Deadspin out of existence when he could have just bought it with a half-hour of concession sales or one-tenth the contract of another washed veteran who can’t stop fucking that chicken.
We’re not letting this run on forever this time. Not like last time. Dear God, not like last time. One round of voting per day on the old twitter haunt, @worstsongbracke. Starting today. Yes, that’s 18 polls today but 8 tomorrow. Polls are up. GO VOTE.
We’ll be breaking down one division a day here on your faborite publication gawrker dot com (until Sean Hannity’s Habsburg ass looking cousin takes that shit away, too). Yes, some division will be half-finished before we get to them, but guess what, you get what you pay for on this premium subscription-only hellscape.
This blog literally could not exist without the “hard” “work” of the “editors” and “staff” over the past… 14!??!?! years. Is that right? How? Well not here nor there. I guess we should actually be sincere and thank them all for their tireless efforts. All of us will miss the site tremendously. Now we have to do work, or spend time with our families, or go waste even more time arguing about circumcision on twitter while being doxxed by Nazis. But maybe we won’t miss the bad content. Or the new commenters. Or maybe the writers? Actually we won’t miss anything about this awful place where we wasted all our time being bombarded with autoplay video and reminders to buy a third Insta-pot.
Lastly, we would also like to thank all the friends we made because of that site which we are sad to see die. But we all agree that it already sucked, but that it was still good sometimes. And we are sad, or some shit. So thanks to everyone except Curtis Wenis.
“Rhythm Method” is a bad song enthusiast and native Seattleite who lived in beautiful Yuma, AZ before bailing on weather that was over 75 and going back to Seattle. Follow him on twitter here. “notsomethingstructural” (aka @nss_ds) is an amateur listicle purveyor and vigilant nihilist. He makes no apologies for being a terrible follow. Old Beige Guy (@oldbeigeguy) is also from Seattle, which is what everybody in Washington, Alaska, and Idaho says. He will be in bed by 8:30 this evening.