OBG: It’s Super Bowel Saturday, when we dump our analysis of the Justice Stewart Division, and look at who wiped what for a shot at #2 (or #1, the situation is fluid).
Three Sad Pathetic Losers from the Deadspin Commentariat have decided to investigate what Ruined Deadspin. Since they are neither creative nor smart, they decided to do so using that famous bracket style we all know and love. Because they never did that before.
in-depth marginally less cursory analysis of the Justice Stewart Division.
NSS: This is it. The grand finale. When this post goes up you’ll be voting on the final showdown between two titans of ruining Deadspin,
Nick Denton and A.J. Daulerio Jim “Herb” Spanfeller and Stick to Sports. Congrats to RM on being the only one brain-damaged enough to align your idiocy with our voters and divine this final matchup.
RM: In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king…..?
NSS: Well all that’s left now is the Justice Stewart Division. It’s Friday, this post runs on Saturday, our regular gang of 20-30 readers will get whittled down to 5 or 6. You ready to mail it in? As someone employed full-time at a desk job, I sure am.
OBG: NSS, I have a theory.
NSS: What’s that?
OBG: We’d have at least 45 readers if people still checked their kinja feeds. I don’t know about you, but without Deadspin and with apologies to the remaining writers at the other sites, I’m clicking on myname.kinja.com maybe 10% as often as I did before.
Anyway, let’s start with a first round blowout. (2) Univision, who we used to like before they bought and sold our wounded web blog, had an easy first round victory over notorious tree killer (7) Dan Snyder, who tried to destroy future lovable Deadspin old man video star Dave McKenna’s Washington City Paper, over McKenna’s story “The Cranky Redskins Fan’s Guide to Dan Snyder.”
NSS: That’s former Deadspin Editor-In-Chief Dave McKenna, to you.
OBG: Everybody got to be former Deadspin Editor-In-Chief for a second, emphasis on the “former.” I’m pretty sure on their way out they all took a turn in the Editor’s chair and left a present for Maidment to sit in.
NSS: Which brings us to my all-time favorite “in-the-chair” Deadspin moment, when (3) Ted Cruz absolutely owned Ashley Feinberg into a corn cob on Twitter. If Ashley is frantically running from place to place putting out fires yelling “this wasn’t an own” the optics look about as bad as [waggling glasses] Ted Cruz. But Cruz got smoked by (6) Cl*y Tr*vis which really isn’t that surprising.
RM: Clay Travis’ cardinal sin is that he’s just incredibly boring. I tried to come hard with a hot take here, but honestly, I kind of forgot he existed. At least the Stool Presidente guy gets cucked by a soul cycle instructor and thinks he’s the Donald Trump of sports. Clay Travis, on the other hand, somehow has less personality than Donald Trump Jr. He looks like an uncooked hot dog covered in bird shit.
OBG: (5) The BBWAA could not overcome (4) Smarm despite blowing a gasket and deep-6’ing Dan Le Batard for giving Deadspin readers the power to control his 2014 Baseball Hall of Fame election ballot (though as we’ve seen, Deadspin commenters make some awful choices). The ballot itself made the Deadspin Hall Of Fame in its first year, AS SHOULD ALL NOMINEES WORTHY OF ELECTION, none of this making-them-wait crap. As former Deadspin Editor-in-Chief Tim Marchman noted, “The Hall of Fame ritual has become, more than anything else, a way for an electorate dominated by neo-Puritan scolds, milquetoast handwringers, and straight-out dimwits to show how high its standards are.” Even from the very beginning, baseball writers couldn’t bring themselves to unanimously elect Babe freaking Ruth, or Ty Cobb, or Christy Mathewson, or Walter Johnson. More than half of them left Cy Young and Rogers Hornsby off their ballots!
NSS: Huge overlap between BBWAA and smarm. Actually the BBWAA invented smarm back when Honus Wagner had a golden sombrero and someone scribbled “Wagner Is A Numpty” on a scorecard and stuck it to a lightpole with a piece of chewing gum. Yes “Smarm” is just all of the “if it’s not on glossy pages, it’s not journalism” sportswriting blowhards that had to use both arms to drag their lifeless out-of-shape corpses from the beat assignment sewers for a self-righteous 3 minutes in the sun. Speaking of sportswriting blowhards, we had a couple washed-up former ESPN’ers in the play-in between (8) Jason Whitlock and (8) Jay Mariotti.
I just want to say… Jason Whitlock is such a fucking hack. I had the misfortune of stumbling back onto his personal Tumblr when he was between jobs trying to drop a gem on Greg Howard using a template that looked like it was suggested by Clippy. Like, “son, you need to learn about capital-J journalism” before he posted entire email exchanges where his first line was ***PLEASE HONOR THIS REQUEST TO KEEP THIS EXCHANGE IS KEPT OFF THE RECORD*** then just dumped everything Greg said line for line. So that’s Whitlock’s stance on journalistic capital in a nutshell, sorry, I mean a 50# bag of peanuts meant for circus elephants.
RM: Jay Mariotti was a stand for the exact type of reviled, narcissistic media shithead that Deadspin always railed against. He essentially failed upward until he proved to be an abuser who almost no one (ironically, Jason Whitlock did) would defend.
NSS: I guess it’s time to see this off. Give our readers one singular sentence on (1) Jim “Herb” Spanfeller. And then that’s all for us until next bracket.
OBG: When I think of Jim “Herb” Spanfeller, all of the mess of the last year is just dust in the wind, and the only thing that remains is this brain worm of a song from Gawrker Editor-in-Chief Freeman McNeil. Hey, Freeman, there’s an opening at 1 G/O Media Plaza.
NSS: Jim Spanfeller looks like a four-time Perot voter who founded an LLC so he could be called CEO of his two Arby’s franchises in the Tulsa suburbs, except he managed to fail upward and actually owns three Arby’s franchises in the Tulsa suburbs.
[Update: 11/11/19 10:45 EST] RM: So Spanfeller famously turned forbes.com into a click farm. Seems ironic given now there is no traffic to Deadspin and they can’t even find writers who want to be named. Congrats for sticking to sports. At least you and your friends are free to go bankrupt and run another media group in the ground, secure in the knowledge that no one is going to make fun of you and your rich friends. I’m sure they will pat you on the back at the next blood sacrifice. Try not to get any bodily fluids on your tunic and weird animal mask.
RM: Well this was a lot of fun, everyone. If Kinja is exploded soon, have a good one. I’ll see you in heck you turds.
Editor’s Note: The finals runs for 48 hours, until Monday, because if you use Twitter on a weekend you should go outside more.
Update [3:32 PM EST]: An earlier rendering of the bracket contained an error. It has been corrected. We regret the error. h/t @deadheadcaddy
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“Rhythm Method” is a bad song enthusiast and native Seattleite who lived in beautiful Yuma, AZ before bailing on weather that was over 75 and going back to Seattle. Follow him on twitter here. “notsomethingstructural” (aka @nss_ds) is an amateur listicle purveyor and vigilant nihilist. He makes no apologies for being a terrible follow. Together, they produced the timeless "Worst Song Bracket" from where they take their namesake. Old Beige Guy (@oldbeigeguy) is also from Seattle, which is what everybody in Washington, Alaska, and Idaho says. He will be in bed by
8:30 9:00 7:30 this evening. He celebrates the beautiful yet smarmy glossy-paged era of Sports Illustrated here.